TRAMWAY
TO
HEAVEN
BY
TAO TAMMES
GLASGOW
1996
CONTENTS
CHAPTER I TRAMWAY TO HEAVEN
CHAPTER II SPECIAL CLOUD TO HEAVEN
CHAPTER III SOME LITTLE PROBLEMS IN HEAVEN
CHAPTER IV MORE NEWS FROM HEAVEN
CHAPTER V HIGHWAY TO HELL
CHAPTER VI HEAVEN AND HELL
CHAPTER VII IS A MENTAL HOSPITAL PART OF HELL
CHAPTER VIII REFUGEE TN HEAVEN
CHAPTER IX THERE IS MORE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND
HELL THAN YOU KNOW
CHAPTER X HEAVEN AND OTHER HEAVENS
CHAPTER XI MIRACLES GALORE
MIND CREATES MATTER
DREAMS SHAPE REALITY
©
COPYRIGHT BY
THEO TAMMES
CASA AZUL
PORTO DO PAUL
PERNES2000-500
PORTUGAL
CHAPTER I
TRAMWAY TO HEAVEN
Sit down mate, let me tell you. Aye, have a drink.
See son, the Tramway to Heaven is always that crowded that I often prefer to walk.
Sure, it takes longer, but you can enjoy the journey more. And time doesn’t matter in Heaven like it does down here.
Stilt, when you come to the gates you have to show your ticket. There is no trespassing up there son, don’t you think so.
Not that they don’t try it. Over and over again. Lots of silly people everywhere you know.
But see son, up in Heaven they can afford the best computer systems, and they have them.
Sure thing son!
Anyway, me being a repairman of some sort I’m needed up there, and I know it. Ach son, it’s so nice to see my plump angel’s warm welcoming smile, and it is great to dig in at the delicious meals they prepare for me.
Ach yes, they’re very nice and grateful. And son, they’re so helpful. Silly still about that one lass I fancied. What is wrong with me?
Tell me son, I’d like to know.
I’ve got to make a deal with them bosses up there, you know. A big deal, aye.
See son, their weather making equipment is completely out of date. Now that could be a nice contract!
Plenty of money and all that, son. Might even take a little holiday afterwards.
Not up there though son, I know better then that.
Not that I wasn’t lured into it in the beginning. Oh yes, I remember them well those weekends.
Sit down mate, sit down. I’ll get us another drink.
See, if you spent your holidays in Heaven, they make you pay, sure as hell. Nae son, I’m having no more of that. No more holidays in Heaven for me son, I tell you.
And see the wife back home? She hasn’t got a clue where I am working nowadays.
She’d freak out, go right out of her numb brain!
Ach son, it’s not that we don’t get on, the wife and me. But you know how it is.
Talked to them angels up there as well. I was worried see.
And know what they told me son? Told me I just got to stick it out.
Said that she stilt loves me in her own silly way, and I would earn a lot of bad karma were I to leave her. Not that I know that karma son, but you see what I mean?
Anyway, she’s not much on my mind nowadays. See son, I got big plans! Got to get this contract in, and then I’m going to expand.
Big business son, going to do big business with Heaven itself
Should be fun as well.
Well mate, I got to get busy now. Got to get them furnaces going.
It’s too bloody easy to laze around up there in Heaven, you know.
Always time for a smile and a chat. Coffees and teas and all that.
Wonder how they do it sometimes mate. Really wonder!
How do they run that place?
I mean, keep every body happy and all that.
Oh, listen son, need to tell you. Heard some rumours the other day. About folk wanting to leave Heaven and go to that other establishment of less renown. Can’t blame them either.
I mean, you know, just smiles and plain straightforward happiness all the time. Can get a bit boring I guess.
And to be honest with you mate, I never thought much about it at all, you see.
But see me, I donni even want to go on holidays up there. Now that’s a sign son, a sure sign. They owe me some money as well, aye. Just travel expenses and that. Not that I worry about it, don’t you think so.
Heavenly accounts are kept straight son! I can tell you that much.
You know what is really scaring up there mate? When you run into old acquaintances. Get them bloody tears running down my eyes, son. Sure as hell. Not always that pleasant like mate.
First time I met me mum up there cried my heart out all over again.
Couldni find me dad though. Must be in that other place.
Now that’s something else son. Wonder how they’re getting on down there. They might need me one day just as well. What am I going to do then, Aye? Just go there as well? I don’t know son.
But I guess it’s OK as long as they pay, I mean money is money mate, we all know that. Might find a big load of old mates of mine down there as well. They say it’s no too pleasant down there you know. Not at all.
Ach well, I ain’t planning to move down there anyway. Rather stay right here.
Sit down son, sit down. I’ll get you another drink. Here, have a smoke.
Well I guess, as long as there is some jobs to do I don’t care that much.
Just wouldn’t want to get bored.
Got to go soon mate. Time to get the job finished today.
Need to go home as well anyway. The wife’s been waiting long enough.
At least those trains are almost empty on the way back mate.
Can spread me feet and catch up with some newspapers.
Only time I can find some time to read about what’s going on down here on this planet. Yeah, was sure nice to talk to you mate.
What’s that son?
Oh fuck sake; you want to know how I got involved in all this?
I mean I’ll tell you all right son, don’t worry!
OK, let’s have another pint then.
Right, well. It was easy in a way. I mean see, I just got this phone call one day. Aye, aye. Nice voice and all that. Guy says: “Here is Heaven, Repairs department. We would need someone for some small repairs up here. Would you mind coming up and have a look right soon?”
What could I say son, what could I do?
“I don’t believe in you “?
That would have been stupid, don’t you think so?
No use telling them that I donni believe in all that bullshit. See son, I mean, I was brought up a Christian. You know that. But after a while
Watching life and the people where I used to work, I just gave up the whole idea. I mean no point in believing in the ultimate good of men and all that shit. God will reward you, you know. Come on son, shit, plain nonsensical bullshit!
That’s what I thought. Still you just go on, you live and you work. Do your job, try to make ends meet. Try to be reasonable and good at your work. Fair prices and all that. You just fight your way through son. That’s what you do, sure as anything. But I got a shock son, tell you.
First when they phoned me see, I thought it was a joke. Couldni figure out who it was though! Just couldni figure it out at all.
Ach, I donni mind telling you son. It’s the truth, the plain truth. The bloody truth son. Never mind, get us another pint son, thanks.
Aye, could do with one. Anyway, what was I trying to say son?
Well, I think I just lost it. Need help me out son. I lose track too easily nowadays. All confused and all that. And no getting any younger as well son. Neither will you son, we all got it coming, tell you for sure. Oh yes, that phone call. That first one.
Got me stunned you see. Didni know what to say at all. But after all mate, I’ve been in business for a long time, and money is money.
So I was just pleasant on the phone you know. Manners, good manners, that’s what it’s all about son.
So I says like: “Yes sir, of course sir. Let me get my diary sir. Thursday next week, will that suit you sir? Aye sir, of course, no problem at all.” Then he says something like picking me up and all that and I just says to him, “Awfully nice of you to come and pick me up sir!”
It was like that son, I tell you. That’s how it all started. I mean, I didni get the shakes till a long time after. And then I needed a drink son, a mighty big drink. Aye son, it was weird, fucking weird.
So there you go, that’s it mate. That’s how it all began. Right son, need to go now. See you later son, take care.
CHAPTER II
SPECIAL CLOUD TO HEAVEN
Hi son, good to see you. How you been keeping?
Aye, let’s get a drink. Sit down son, sit down. Need to tell you; really, you won’t believe it. See what I told you last week and all that? Tell you some more now mate! Tell you what they did that first time I got up to Heaven. Before I knew there was a Tramway to Heaven.
It’s been a while now son, and I got used to it I guess. Guess you get bloody used to everything apart from dying. Anyway, you remember what they said about coming to pick me up? Well they sure did son, picked me up with a special cloud and all the trimmings son.
Angels singing and trumpets and the whole lot.
It was most amazing son. I didni know where to look first like. Couldni believe my own fucking eyes. Thought I’d gone plain nuts mate, by the way. Glorious welcome at the gates.
You know what they done? Sent me a reinforced cloud. Them being afraid my toolbox might be too heavy or something. Shows you son, he?
Big gathering at the gates see. Mighty big welcome. I just wanted to run and hide son. But there was nowhere to hide see. Anyway, I just started on the job. Aye, they showed me around a bit. Sure did. Weird son, really weird. Been back many a time now up there, got the hang of it.
But the first time mate, that really took it all out of me. Just felt wobbly all over, legs turned to jelly and all that. You understand son?
Well there I was, strangest thing happening in all me life and no-one to talk about
it. Not that they weren’t nice or anything. Aye, they were nice enough and understanding. I mean, they even gave me counseling and all that. Seems they must have known how I felt like.
Then they showed me the Tramway to Heaven and how to get on it.
So it be easier for me and more convenient to come up. Like I could pick me own time son. Now it is easier in a way, and in a way it is not.
I told you, that Tramway is crowded, anytime you go up. Way back it’s easier, it’s empty most of the time. No that many people coming back from Heaven, that’s sure son. So most of the time I take the Tramway to Heaven nowadays.
When I donni have to carry heavy gear mind you, I often walk.
Just follow the tracks, that’s what I do son.
Does me some good. Gives me some time to get used to the idea again, I guess.
Still I wonder son. How do they make them payments?
Now that’s a real miracle to me. See the money is always there. Seven days after
I put the bill in, straight on my account. Can’t figure out how they got their fingers in our banking systems. Tell you son, weird.
Aye, lets have another pint mate. Need to go soon anyway.
That Tramway to Heaven will be waiting for me.
Ach aye, you’re right, they must use some church or whatever to pay them bills.
They’re so organized son, sometimes I just canni believe it.
They must be anyway, they run the bloody biggest show I’ve ever seen!
God, all those people arriving all the time. Need all be fed and watered
somehow. I mean, don’t get me wrong son. They don’t eat and drink like we do mate, but still. It must keep them busy mate, it must. What is it you wanting to know? God, if I seen God himself?
Why not, I mean of course son.
No that often, that’s right.
He is busy, he sure is.
Just looks like everybody always tells you.
A nice old guy with a smile and a big beard.
He ain’t that big special or anything son, but you can sense the power mate. You
can tell anytime. Aye, he’s busy as hell. Sits in his own wee office all day. Stacks of paper all around him. Music’s on there all the time.
You know, hymns and prayers and all that. Don’t know how he can stand it, disgusting. Guess he must really like it or what, or he wouldni be up there.
No son, he didni say that much to me. Just like if everything was all right and
satisfactory.
What a blooming thing to ask a poor human all confused and scared from being
in Heaven. Anyway mate, I donni want to get too much involved. Know what I mean? Tell you something else son. Ach aye, get us another pint then.
That’s great son, thanks.
Time you see, tine up there isni what it is like down here. I mean I just canni work it out. You think time is about days and weeks and hours and minutes?
Forget it, I tell you. I’ve tried it son, really tiled hard to make any sense out of it at all. But I just canni do it.
Kept me watch and all, checked the times I know I normally get hungry or want a
smoke. Can tell you to the minute mate, what time it is just by listening to me own
stomach. That is down here son. I can tell the time all right.
But up in Heaven it’s all different son.
Don’t know what it is. Just canni figure it out. You just canni tell what time it is
up in Heaven!
I mean, they know of course. How can I write my flipping bills if I don’t know
how many hours I’ve worked up there?
So they give me a slip of paper every time I work up there. A real nice computer
Printout. So I just got to trust them and all that. Never mind son, sit yourself down
I’ll get us another drink. Here, have a smoke.
Nae bother mate, nae bother.
Aye, like I says, they always pay the bills straight into me account.
Never a day late or anything.
Aye, got me a special pass for the gates as well. Not that I need it.
They all know me fine well. Isni that many folk going back out of them gates
down to earth again son. Not that many.
Yes son, it’s weird. It’s the fucking weirdest thing ever happened in my life.
Never mind son, need to go now.
Was great to talk to you.
Aye, that Tramway to Heaven be waiting for me.
Right, see you later son. Take care.
CHAPTER III
SOME LITTLE PROBLEMS IN HEAVEN
Nice to see you son, how are you keeping?
Aye, just sit yourself down; I’ll get you a drink.
Aye son, tell you what. Sit down and relax, just listen son.
Last week when I was on my way in the Tramway to Heaven, we had an
emergency stop. Believe it or not mate. Let me tell you
First time it ever happened when I was aboard. Scary son, very scary.
Couldni figure out what was going on for a while. Angels coming from
everywhere, all on their private little clouds, all in a hurry and all that.
Seemed there was a mistake all right. That woman with her children, could have told you straight away son. Women are trouble.
Won’t forget that wean either mate!
Holding on to that calf and crying her heart out.
Ach well, she had to let go in the end, but son, such hassle.
They bloody well should have checked them when they entered that Tramway.
Makes you wonder mate, makes you wonder.
I mean about them people trying to smuggle things right into Heaven.
So silly too son. What do you think?
1 mean it is all written down in the bible and all that, no way you can take any
thing with you to Heaven. Shit, everybody knows that much!
People are just daft son, plain daft. You would think the likes of them would end up in that other establishment, but no. Talked it over with some of the angels too. Sure did son, no denying it. Just wanted to know you see.
They said like a lot of people are confused anyway, and when they die they get
more confused.
Forget all about what they have learned and all that.
Now son, I go along with that. Some people just canni get to grips with life and
less with death. And the ones that don’t end up in the other place mate, they bloody well go to Heaven. I get to see lots on that Tramway to Heaven. Lots.
Seen some unbelievable things with me own eyes. Let me tell you son.
Anyway. I got me own office up there now.
Even got a nice sign on my door and all that. Got a phone and a fax and a nice
plump angel as a secretary.
Some major improvement son, don’t you think so?
Here, let me get you another pint mate.
Aye, nice and all that, like a wee cuddle for the heart.
But now I’m worried about the wife son.
She’ll find out sooner or later. I mean she’s bound to find out, really.
I’m hardly at home or in me own office down here. Aye, what’s gonna happen if she starts nosing around? Tell me son, tell me.
You never know with women do you?
What was that son? Ach aye, think I could manage that fine.
Get you a wee job up there Why not son, why not. But let me tell you mate, you need to be bloody good at your job. They know see, they know sure as hell if you’re good or not. I can talk to them all right son, nae problem .You just wait and see. And when not my friend, you can always wait till you’re dead and go there
anyway. That is, if you live a decent life and all that.
Go to church regularly, don’t lie, don’t cheat.
Couldni do you any harm anyway son, trying to be decent.
Nae bother son, and if you end up in that other establishment you re sure to find lots of your pals anyway.
Life’s good son, nothing to worry about.
Well son, that’s me off. Gotta go now, see you next week?
Was good talking to you, look after yourself
Cheerio.
CHAPTER IV
MORE NEWS FROM HEAVEN
Hi, nice to see you son. How you’re keeping?
All bright eyed and bushy tailed?
That’s right son, gotta enjoy yourself.
Aye, lets sit down.
Let me get you a pint son. It’s all right. All on the company son, don’t you worry.
Need to tell you something, need to tell you.
What’s that? Aye, the wife is OK son. No, she ain’t got a clue yet. Hope she never finds out. Blessed are the ignorant! Not from me anyway.
Aye, been a busy week up in Heaven. Took the Tramway every single day this week. Seen some strange people going to Heaven son, some very strange indeed.
Know what? I just canni figure it out at times. Seems I get all confused and all that. Listen son, see last week? One day they came and fetched me right early. Came with a special cloud and all that. Speeding up to Heaven! You should have seen us son!
Ach never mind, that’s life for you mate. Sometimes it is just like that.
Busy, busy as hell. Done some repairs this week son! Some repairs.
Got to work on a piece of machinery I have never seen in my life, and you know
I’ve been around son. You know fine well I’ve seen a lot.
But this one son, it beats me all right. Couldni figure out heads or tails.
Just didni know what it could be.
Some high bosses came themselves and tried to explain it to me. Tried to explain and watched me working all the time as well.
Kept talking about equilibrium or some thing. Didni even know there was such a thing. Says to me like it’s important to get that machine going. Like Heaven depends on it.
Never mind son. Got it working all right in the end.
You should have seen them faces son, they were so grateful when I fixed it.
Kissed me and blessed me and all that. The whole lot of them bosses jumping and shouting! Got me some special privileges as a thanks. Can have me own cloud now, anytime I want it. Showed me how to work it as well. Says to me like it is all mental control. That’s what you need with them clouds.
I’m no good at that son, no good at all.
They’re going to send me to a special training course. Says to me like I have to learn how to meditate, to relax and to concentrate.
That’s gonna be hard son. Real hard.
Mind you son, I’ve been a good learner all my life, no kidding. Should be able to learn that as well. And then I can fly me own wee cloud son.
Did I tell you by the way? Those clouds have ratings. I mean like they are all different? Funny, isn’t it? It’s so much like down here, I canni believe it at times.
So much carry on down here, and you’d think in Heaven things be easier. Forget it mate. Aye thanks mate, yes, I’ll have another pint then.
Right son, where were we?
Help me out. Aye, them clouds.
See well, soon as that course is over I’ll take you for a ride. That’s a promise!
But fucking hell man, don’t you ever tell no one a single word about all this. Don’t want to get into trouble with Heaven mate. Thanks a lot.
Really, I mean that would be the last thing I would ever want mate!
Saw me mum up there the other day.
She’s great son, doing fine. Never saw her happier all her life.
Seems like there’s really nothing to worry about for them humans up there. Never seen such happy people down here. They all love Heaven, I can tell you.
I mean at least most of them. When I come to think of it son, I’m pleased. I mean like, I didni believe in all this crap in the first place, there you go. I can be honest with you mate.
And there you find that all they’ve been telling you, all that you ever learned about God and his Angels and Heaven and Hell, all that is true.
Amazing son, most amazing.
Gives you a darn good feeling, doesn’t it son?
See like them bad guys and all that? They’re gonna be in trouble for all they done.
In the end I mean. Like they all go to that awful place.
And the good people go up to Heaven and be rewarded and all that, and it’s all just like they expect it to he. Great son, good stuff.
Takes a weight of me poor heart. Anyway, need to go soon. Aye, OK. One more pint then. If you feel like it.
But I need go after. And up to Heaven on that Tramway first thing in the morning. Aye my friend. Life’s full of surprises. You never know what’s coming your way. Right son, I’m off. See yon later.
Nice to talk to you. See you.
CHAPTER V
HIGHWAY TO HELL
Hi son, how you’re doing?
Good to see you again.
Aye, has been a while. Been busy, awful busy.
Sit down son, sit down. Let me get you a pint.
Need to tell you son, need to tell you.
Some news for you by the way, some great news.
Remember like I told you about that other place?
You’re no going to believe this son, but that’s right where I been the past week. Got a phone call from them. Right up in me own office in Heaven.
The bloody cheek son, the bloody cheek!
Could have left a message on me answer-machine down here, don’t you think so? But what do they do? Fucking phone me right in Heaven itself
Says to me like they’re having trouble and all that.
Tell me like since I’m so good at fixing things would I mind coming down and give them a hand?
What could I do son, what could I do? Told them to wait. Says to them like “Can I call you back?” That’s what I told them, honestly son, I swear to God. Got me secretary to get the Lord himself on the phone, explained it all to him. No need kidding about it mate.
Now son, you ain’t gonna believe this, Know what he says to me, know what the Lord himself tells me? He says like: “Well mister, if there ain’t no emergencies up here, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go down there if you feel like it. But mind you, you’re working for us in the first place. You know we treat you well and pay you well. So go if you want to, but do come back, I don’t think you will like that place anyway, after you know Heaven so well.”
And he was right of course. God always is.
So me, I got me secretary angel to pour me drink, a good stiff drink mate, just to calm me nerves, and then I phoned them back.
Mister Devil himself on the line!
Aye, got him on the phone straight away, believe it or not.
Deep, scary voice.
Tried to be nice on the phone and all that, but I could sense all that meanness and all.
Says he is sorry to bother me but there was an emergency and they couldn’t fix it themselves. So I says to him: “How am I going to get down there and find yous?”
So he tells me what to do, like to go down to where the Tramway to Heaven starts and wait there. Got me toolbox and kissed me secretary angel goodbye and got into the Tramway, all the way back down here son. It was empty as ever, just some angels coming along, singing hymns. That’s annoying at times mate, all that fucking religious music!
Can’t stand it really. Told them up there to leave me alone with their music. There’s none of that crap in my wee office in Heaven son.
Just don’t fancy that.
Anyway, I come down aye, get me tools out and all that and that’s me there waiting. Comes this old battered car along, stops right in front of me and the driver gets out.
Says “Nice to see you sir. That your tools?”
Puts them in the back and off we go.
Straight onto the motorway.
Right son, now that’s true. The road to Hell is as big as anything.
A regular Highway. And fucking crowded too.
And they’re all speeding son. Seems like they canni get there fast enough. All in a hurry to go to Hell!
It’s a long drive son, takes ages.
You get into a kind of tunnel and you just keep going down all the time.
And when you get to the gates it’s no nice either.
No nice at all mate. No like Heaven at all.
Looks like ruins, buildings on fire, black smoke and the lot. Awful son, really awful. A real nightmare.
No showing of tickets either son. Everybody is welcome in Hell
Just whisk you past and there you are. You wouldni believe it son, really! Chaos son, chaos. Noise everywhere, and the smell.
Mate I tell you, that smell is disgusting!
Takes your breath away, so it does,
Well, they got the big boss himself come to see me and explain what’s wrong and all that. God son, the state their machinery is in!
Embarrassing, really disgusting. Fucking old-fashioned stuff, wonder how they get anything to work down there!
Got all that free labour of course.
Down there they make you work son, that’s for sure.
Only place that’s kept halfway decent is the account’s department.
Not that they don’t try it son. You know, I mean to make them poor sods stay longer and work harder than they need.
But justices needs be done, and when you’ve served your time you can get out.
Don’t really know what happens to them afterwards, come to think of it.
Need to ask my angels about that.
Just hope they’ll know,
Anyway son, I got to work and work I do.
Worked like mad every single day. Had to phone me secretary angel in Heaven every day as well, see if something’s come up there.
And keep the wife happy at night. Says to me a couple of times like I got an awful smell on me. What could I say son, what could I say?
Thanks God in Heaven it was quiet up there all week.
Wouldni have known what to do otherwise.
Got them most parts of machinery replaced, had to improvise a lot.
Ach son, life’s hard, life’s fucking hard.
Aye, lets have another pint then, could sure do with it. Here, have a smoke. You all right son? You don’t look to well.
Might need you up in Heaven next week sometime. Got a wee job coming up where I need a hand. Talked to the boss about it by the way.
They says like it’s OK when I vow for you. So you better be all right son. I donni want to get into troubles because of you.
Need to go now son. That Tramway to Heaven is waiting for me.
I’ll give you a call next week aye?
Right, take care son, see you later.
CHAPTER VI
HEAVEN AND HELL
Hi mate, how you’re doing?
Nice to see you son.
Sony 1 couldni make it last week. Was busy, busy as hell. Aye, get us a drink, thanks mate.
Aye, listen son. I need someone to run the business down here. It’s kind of getting too much. No really, I mean it. So what about it?
You could handle that all right you think? That be great son.
See me, I’m gonna be more and more busy up there. Got me classes now and training in cloud flying and all that, so I need you down here. You gotta get on with the wife as well mate. No big deal that, you’ll manage all right. Just give her a call once in a while and tell her what you and I are doing. Gotta pretend I work along with you, or somewhere else around town. We need co-ordinate this mate. Gotta work out.
I mean I’m back home most nights anyway, and I can come see you in the mornings before I take that Tramway to Heaven.
I’ll introduce you to most of my old clients as well; get the wife to know you and all that.
God son, I’m tired.
No used to all this travelling and carry on.
Best times is on the Tramway back home, when it’s empty.
Last week, let me tell you mate, last week was a disaster. Nearly drove me mad. Aye, let’s sit down. Have another pint mate.
Don’t worry, I’ll get it. That’s all on the company son. Expenses. Wonderful thing expenses.
Right son, I’ll take of next week from Heaven.
Just stay down here on our good old planet and help you to get to know the business. Cheers mate!
Been awful busy last week. I mean, really busy.
Spent two days in Hell and that’s more than enough for anyone, let me tell you. Awful. Three days up in Heaven, which was a lot better. But by the time the weekend came I was knackered son.
They says to me like I should stay and take a rest.
Explain to me like Sunday is a day of in Heaven anyway, and I could just relax and maybe get to talk to the Lord himself
That’s why I couldni make it last week mate. Hope you don’t mind.
Had to phone the wife and tell her some story. Donni like that, but what can you do?
Well, let me tell you about Hell first.
Tell you son, once you worked there, you kinda understand why it is called Hell. Just because it is mate. Just because it really is awful.
They came picked me up all right and all that.
Same old banger, drives the Highway to Hell as if there wasni any speed limits. Fucking hell mate, that driver’s lost it. Lost it completely.
Started on the job, rotten old machine. Turn me back and half me tools gone. Stole them, some fucking bastard stole them right under my own nose. No enough spare parts and me wrecking me brains to get on with the job and they fucking steal my tools.
I was mad son, really mad.
Massive big carry-on after. Never seen more Devil bosses and he himself as well. Shouting and cursing and all that.
At the top of their voices, the whole lot. Nothing nice and soothing like in Heaven mate. Just awful, disgusting.
Got a body guard after that, just to look after me and me things. Bit late anyway mate. Well, they sent someone straight away to replace me tools and all that, promised me anything.
More money, overtime, special privileges and all that. Couldni think what to do with them. Just wanted to quit and leave the fucking place.
Comes the Devil himself to me and makes like a sorry face and all that. Tried to be polite, believe it or not son. Says like I got me old dad in that place, and if I oblige them, he himself would see to it that me dad gets better treatment and gets out a lot sooner. Fucking hell man, what could I do? Plain blackmailing me, that Devil.
Offered me sex as well. Says to me like there is plenty of nice women I could have any time I want to. Such an old dirty bastard that Devil son.
I mean, me and the wife, we still hit it of once in a while. Don’t fucking need another woman. One’s more than enough, Ach, what could I do?
So I agreed in the end you know. Got the money and got the deal with me old dad. Got it all written down as well son.
You know you canni trust the Devil! God, what a nightmare son.
Aye, get us another drink then. Could sure do with one mate.
Aye aye, take the money, that’s all right. Nae bother son, it’s all on the company. Never made so much money in me life son!
Never saw so little of the wife either. Not that it bothers me, not at all.
Anyway, I was glad enough to get back on the Tramway to Heaven next day, let me tell you.
It’s so good to he amongst nice and decent folk son, even if they are death. It’s just great.
Just doing some maintenance work for a couple of days, nothing big. Got into talking with some of the angels about that other establishment. Them knowing that I’ve been there and all that. Come Saturday I just lazed around, went on me cloud for a while, just around Heaven. Fell asleep three times that day son. Sure did. Let me have me sleep as well, those angels.
Must have known I was plain knackered and needed it. Sunday is really quiet in Heaven son, really quiet. But it is the only day in the week you can have a talk with God himself
I mean, when He is around. Often He just doesni want to know anybody, just disappears. Canni blame him either.
Must have been me lucky day mate, for he was around and sure into a good decent talk. Met him like in the gardens and we sat ourselves down with a good bottle of wine. And than we talked son.
A real good talk it was. Cleared my mind about a lot of things. I just had to ask him son, just had to talk about that other place. “You ever been there Lord?” I asked him.
Well no, he tells me like he hasni been there.
But then he wanted to know all about it. Got me to tell me impressions, I mean what I felt like and all that.
And what happened down there, how they treated them poor souls and all that. Got me going, really got me going there!
And that awful plain malice you feel every second down there.
And that awful pain in the souls of the poor sods when they start to realise they’re made to work to create the downfall of others. When they learn they actually help to create the circumstances for more poor
souls to sin and do wrong and pay for it in Hell later like.
That’s the tricky bit about it son.
Right, I need go now.
See you on the Monday in me office son.
Say about half nine or there abouts?
Was good to see you son, take care.
CHAPTER VII
IS A MENTAL HOSPITAL PART OF HELL?
Nurse, nurse, what am I doing here?
Why am I here and who are you anyway?
Christ, why do I feel so strange?
Nurse, why in fucking Hell am I here?
Tell me lass, I canni remember a fucking thing.
OK, OK, I’ll no swear anymore. Sorry about that hen.
Didni mean to. Got to make allowances for me. Just don’t have a clue what I’m doing here. This a hospital nurse? What’s that? A mental hospital? You’re joking lass. Could never be in a mental place. Been sound and save all me life. Do you think I should be in here nurse?
Tell me lass, tell me straight. Give me the bad news and I’ll give you the good news. I’m no madder then you are nurse, if you don’t mind me saying so. How did I come here in the first place? Like to know.
Right now, that donni make sense nurse. First of all, tell me what day it is. How long have I been here? What?
That’s impossible, you should know better then that lass. Come on!
Let’s get this straight nurse, I’m no more mad then you are.
How come I canni remember being here when I’ve been here for so long? God sake, tell me what has happened to me nurse, tell me something! OK, OK, I’ll wait and talk to that doctor.
God, this is awful. I need to know what happened.
What about the wife nurse, she OK?
What’s that? She been coming almost every day to see me all these months? That’s nice of her. OK, OK hen, I’ll calm down.
Can I get up nurse? Can I just get up and walk around for a while?
Right. I see. Well, you tell them doctors I’m right as rain nurse. I want to get out of here. Need to work. Jesus, what happened to all those jobs?
Nurse, you know anything about me company and me partner?
He’s been around so many times?
That right hen? Tell me.
I see, that’s awful decent of him. Good chap that, old mate of mine nurse. Aye, I’ll go back to sleep then lass. That’s fine.
Just you come and tell me when that doctor’s coming. Promise me nurse, wake me up when I’m asleep and that doctor comes aye?
Thanks hen.
Hello, morning doctor. You are the doctor, are you?
Nurse here tells me you be coming to see me. Tell me doctor; have I really been here for months? So what was wrong with me? Tell me doctor, what did I do all that time?
Gosh, I canni remember anything about it. Seems to me like one moment I’m working away and the next thing I know is I wake up in this horrible place. Sorry doctor, I just don’t like hospitals and all them places. Right. I’m safe and sound now doctor. When can I get out of here? What’s that? You can’t mean that. Why is yous wanting to keep me in here? Give me a good reason doctor, just one good reason.
Why’s you saying that? It isni up to you. You no the doctor?
What? Come on, you better tell me.
Shit, that is impossible. I need to go see the wife and look after me work.
Right I’ll see you doctor.
Hi mate, good to see you. Sit down.
I know, I know, donni like this place meself either.
Need to get out as soon as possible. Tell me what happened mate, tell me. Oh fucking hell, that’s awful.
Shit, did I really tell them all that?
Jesus, nae wonder they want to keep me in here. Nae wonder they think I’m mad. Son, I need to know exactly what I told them. You go and find out. Should fucking never have mentioned Heaven and that Tramway to anyone, not even to you. We’re in deep shit son, deep shit.
Aye, it would have been all right if I’d just talked about Hell and all that. They don’t think you’re crazy as long as you talk about Hell and all them fucking things.
But shit son, that I told them about God and the Tramway to Heaven, that’s done it. Sure thing they must believe I’m mad.
Well son, we need be careful now. You go on son, talk to them doctors.
Find out what I really told them, find out what they know.
Need be careful son, just donni ask them any questions. Kind of just get them to talk. Aye, all right.
What about the wife son? What’s she been saying?
Right, that’s good son, very good.
As long as she believes them fucking doctors, we ain’t got no problem there. Aye, you’re right again son, she never was too bright.
So tell me about business then. How’s things going? Nice to hear that son, very nice. God, I wish I was out of here and we could just go for a drink. Right son, you need go now, visiting hours are over.
Aye, come back see me tomorrow.
Promise me son, be careful. Need to get out of here as soon as possible.
In the end son, when all is said and done, a mental place is just a part of Hell. Just got the same feeling about it. Like you’re helpless, completely helpless. It’s not like they’re not nice or what, don’t you worry about that son. I mean they feed you and water you all right and all that.
Even give you exercises and games to play.
Could even read a paper if I felt like it. No son, it’s not that. They even sent you to therapy and all that. But you got to follow the rules son, you got to follow them. That’s it. You ain’t got no responsibility for yourself
That’s Hell son, plain Hell!
Right, see you son, take care.
Nurse, nurse!
Why d’you keep me waiting?
I need a drink nurse! Anything.
Come on lass, go get me something.
Aye, I know you’re no allowed.
Nurses never arc.
You go get me drink all the same nurse, of you go!
CHAPTER VII
REFUGEE IN HEAVEN
Right son, nice to see you.
Sorry we need to meet in here son, but since I’m on the run we need to avoid all those places I used to go to. Really all very silly, but what can I do mate? Aye get us a drink. And let’s move over in that corner.
Got loads to tell you mate, loads.
Sony I couldni phone you more often like. God himself told me that they might watch them telephone lines and all that. Says to me to be careful, like mind my steps. That’s what I got to do mate.
Very sorry for the wife too. Must be really hard for her. But we’re working on it son, we are. They’re helping me all they can you know.
God’s clever son, he’s come up with some brilliant ideas.
Let me tell you mate, what’s going to happen, so you donni get scared.
I’m gonna die soon mate, anytime now. Aye, they’re going to find me dead body and all that. Gonna give me a whole new existence somewhere else. Gonna have a new name and identity like son!
The wife and you, yous gotta move away from here. Some other city son, that’s what’s gonna happen. Can’t tell you right now, but you’ll get the news soon enough. You’ll transfer business to another town mate, and the wife will move there too. Some time after.
And then we can get slowly back to normal. Just gotta make sure no one else knows about it. So sonny, you need tell the wife and all that.
What’s gonna happen like and all that. Don’t need give her any details son, just tell her like when I’m gonna die one day soon, it’s just officially. Just tell her I’m fine, but as long as I’m on the run I canni contact her. And she needs be quiet about it, don’t tell anyone.
Make sure she understands that much. I know, I know son.
She won’t believe you. Tell her I’ll send her a message, we’ll arrange something. You canni beat Heaven when they arrange a show like this son. Might even trick the Devil as well to loose track of me.
Don’t know how clever he is. Aye, thanks mate, another drink be just fine. Here, get a fag. Sit yourself down again son. Still got a lot to tell you. About that mental place and all that.
God son, that was some surprise when they came to get me out of that miserable place! Was really awful son, that place.
Was losing all hope to get out there see, getting really depressed.
No end to them silly questions and interviews. I tried to play their game, I really did son. Talked about me upbringing, the way things were way back home and all that. Stress, damaging influence of me parents and all that stuff. Told them even about not getting on with the wife.
Told them bloody well anything I could think of. Thought like they would let me go when I showed them that I was being reasonable and that me mind was working OK. Got it all wrong. All wrong son.
Jesus, they just kept me in there. Once they get hold of you they don’t let you go. Hellish, that’s what it is,
It’s really like being in Hell son, awful.
Anyway, like I said son, it was great when that cloud came sailing through the window one night. Angels on board and all that.
Must have been a great sight son, sorry you missed it. Pity no one could see it. Would have made them wonder about a thing or two.
They sail in through the window aye, tell me to get on board and that’s it. Off we go. Says to me like they been waiting long enough now. I’m needed up in Heaven and they can’t risk it to leave me any longer in that mental place. Thought I might really get mental in there one day.
So they’ve come to fetch me, set me free.
I’m to stay up in Heaven with them for a while, until things cool down here. You seen the newspapers son?
Such a fuss about a patient escaping from a mental place!
They know fine well I wasni dangerous or anything. And still they make so much stink about it.
My angel tells me like that is because the Devil himself is after me.
He’s been behind all that.
Tried to get back at me for me no wanting to work for them any longer.
Can you believe it son?
That’s the Devil for you son, a real bastard!
Right aye, let me think.
OK, let’s have another drink then. That’s great mate, thanks.
Need to go soon.
Parked me cloud just around the corner behind that old warehouse.
Aye well son, you just keep going,
You’ll get some news from Heaven soon.
Just you prepare the wife son. And don’t worry about anything.
We’re fine mate, just fine.
Everything is gonna work out all right, you’ll see.
OK son, take care, see you later.
CHAPTER IX
THERE IS MORE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL THAN YOU KNOW
All right son? Good to see you.
Aye, I’ll get you a drink.
Nice place by the way. How’d you find it?
Really nice pub. Decent prices as well. Bar staff’s great in here. So nice son. Aye, that’s been some weeks now, some busy weeks.
Sure as hell. I was so pleased to hear you moved up here and started up business and all that. Must have been really hard in the beginning, come to think of it. Like the new office son, you done a good job there!
Good to see the wife happy again as well.
Been very hard on her son, very hard. I don’t mean her moving and all that. You know what I mean son. Like that she’s got to shut up about me and all, that. To pretend I’m a stranger she’s seeing once in a while since her husband died. And her having to go to the funeral and all that.
That’s the really bad bit for her, I tell you.
She’d like to shout out for joy that she’s got me back sound and safe and she canni tell a single body on this whole wide planet.
Ach well, I donni mind telling you son, the angels have been helping her. Done a nice job there as well.
Like coming into her dreams every night.
Making her understand what’s been happening. That’s made the difference son. Never mind, you tell me your news. Tell me about every thing. Been away for so long now. Need to order some stuff for Heaven as well by the way. Aye, you can run that through the company.
Right, I’ll get you a list tomorrow.
We need step up security in Heaven, believe it or not.
The Devil is up to no good, interfering with Heaven.
Interfering with the Lord’s plans, that’s what he’s been doing.
Such a bastard. No son, we’ve made that clear. Got a big discussion up in Heaven you know.
With all them bosses, archangels and all.
About me working in that other place.
Seems like I destroyed the balance somehow.
Donni ask me mate, I just don’t know anything I done wrong.
God didni like it from the start, and now there is signs like the Devil is gaining influence in Heaven. Impossible son, incredible.
So there’s gonna be no more of that. Over and done with son.
It’s hard enough to keep things going in Heaven the way they are.
But we got a special committee now. I’m on it as well son.
Like I been down and working there and all that.
Call me an intelligence officer or something!
Can you believe it?
Anyway, we’re stepping up security and God is planning a massive counter attack.
That Devil won’t be laughing for long son!
God’s designed some brilliant plans to get the Devil back in his own boundaries.
Well, I need go now son.
Was nice to talk to you and all that.
Right, see you later, cheerio.
CHAPTER X
HEAVEN AND OTHER HEAVENS
Right son, nice to see you. How’s the good life treating you?
So tell me about the business son. You gotta keep me informed.
I loose track see, living in Heaven most of the time.
Should really take holidays for a while and stay down here for a while.
Just stay with the wife. Not that I’m so sure she would like that.
Come on; tell me about those new contracts you were getting.
Hm, that’s great son. Sounds fabulous to me. You’re doing great.
Sorry I couldni support you more these days, but you know how it is.
Thanks God things go well down here.
Got to tell you mate, finished me training in meditation and relaxation last week. Mighty glad it’s all over and done with.
Can fly me own cloud now anywhere I like and all that.
It’s not that I donni like that Tramway to Heaven son, not at all.
Kind of nice seeing all them happy souls going up and all that.
But it is crowded at times.
Still thinking about that other place as well. Just kind of canni forget it.
Get us another drink mate, if you don’t mind.
Thanks, that’s great.
Where were we again? Oh aye.
See in Heaven, people are no real people if you know what I mean.
They’re kind of transparent, like it’s only their essence. It’s like they are really only souls. But down in hell mate, they’re much more real.
And you can see them suffering.
That’s really awful son, really bad. Kind of breaks your heart.
I wouldni want to go there anymore for any reason son. Not for anything in the world. Not since I been there and seen it.
So I’m warning you mate. You just stick to the rules and make sure you go to the right place when your time comes.
There’s amazing things happening up in Heaven son, amazing.
See, I never knew there was any other places like, other Heavens of some sort or whatever you want to call them.
Been thinking about it all right. You know, just wondering what happens to all those other folk. I mean like the ones that are Muslims or Buddhists or whatever.
God himself explained it to me. Says like they needed to know to be able to understand his new master plan.
Told me like he’s gonna form an alliance of all the Heavens.
Aye son, believe it or not.
There is a Muslim paradise with Houries and all.
There is a place where the souls of the Red Indians go, the Eternal Hunting Fields where Manitou is God.
There is a place where the Vikings go, called Walhalla, and even those old Greeks have their Olympus in their own Heaven.
Took me a while to believe all that son.
Mind-boggling, that’s what it is.
For every religion on Earth, there is a sort of Heaven specific to their beliefs.
Incredible son, incredible.
Aye, let’s get another drink before it is last orders.
Welt son, I can see you donni want to believe me.
Really, I mean, there is so many different Heavens that it is a wee bit
overwhelming at first.
But God sent me around with the Archangels of this committee, to get them all to work together and help God out for the benefit of all mankind. So there you go son.
I’ve seen more places than you know there was at all.
But that’s just part of the plan son.
You see, God knows fine well that the Devils had a big part in them people down here becoming less and less religious.
So he’s planning to perform a lot of miracles. So the people will start to believe again. Stop questioning his whole existence and all that.
You know, all well planned and timed, so we get the support of the media. I think that’s brilliant son.
If you ask me, that’s just what was needed down here anyway.
Miracles, real miracles.
And then he wants all them other Gods and all them other Heavens to help along in fighting the Devil.
He’s clever you know, God is clever. He knows fine well they suffer from the Devil and their own kind of Devils and bad spirits just as Heaven does. So there is big actions planned mate, big actions.
Campaigns against racism and greed and intolerance.
Zero violence and all that. He’s gonna clean them churches out as well male. Make them spent their money on the poor and the needing.
No more beautiful churches covered in gold. No more silver and jewellery just for the beauty of it.
Gonna be a great time son. You sit back and watch it coming. God says like there is no reason for anyone on earth to suffer. Says like there is enough for everyone.
Only greed and selfishness are standing in the way. And that’s all coming from the Devil himself.
See son, that there Devil knows how to create the opportunities for people to become greedy.
Says God to me, he’s even got them politicians to help him out.
Says like the Devil is smart, but God himself has some brains too.
He wants the people to start caring for each other again, helping each other and all that. What you say now son?
Sounds almost like a revolution to me, I tell you.
Them angels up in Heaven been warning God. Saying like he should be really careful. But he just says like he’s been sitting back too long, it’s time to do things and put things right. He’s fed up now with the Devil and all his works, and he doesni want to loose out on him.
Well mate, I think he’s right. Absolutely.
But it means a lot of extra work for all of us in Heaven.
Preparations, speeches, information. Co-ordination and liaison with the media down here. Talks to the other Heaves and their bosses.
Seems like I’m stuck right in the middle of it son. Ach well, that’s life for you.
Always full of surprises and a lot of hard work. But doing all this makes me feel good mate.
Really, I must tell you.
Right, let’s have another pint then. Cheers mate. Aye, about the wife.
What do you say? She still doesni know, does she? Well, I just don’t know anymore. At times she kinda looks at me so strange, you wouldni believe it. Like as if she knew something aye.
I mean, she’s nice enough to me and all that, and happy with every night I spent down here with her.
But you know, something’s going on there, I can feel it like. Something’s up in the air, and I canni figure it out.
Ach well. Well take that bridge as we come to it son. No need to worry now.
Well mate, I need go now. Was awful nice to see you. Take care, cheerio.
CHAPTER XI
MIRACLES GALORE
Right son, sit yourself down.
Sorry it’s been a while, but you know how it is these days.
We’re right in the middle of a big campaign and I tell you straight son, we’ve never been so busy in all eternity.
God’s getting tired himself, and me own secretary angel says to me like she’s afraid he might have a break down if he doesni slow down.
But that’s an easy thing to say son.
Life’s not like that at times, just not at all.
Aye, get us a drink.
Right, well you know the big news anyway.
The wife’s been up to Heaven.
Wasni my idea. Not at all.
Didni know a fucking thing about it, until she told me like.
Just stands there with that look on her face and says like:” I know what you been up to.”
Scared the hell out of me son. I just had to sit down.
Some shock that son, believe it or not!
Not that she was angry or anything, just that she knew.
Actually, it did work out all right.
She spends a lot of time up in Heaven right now.
Has learned to take the Tramway to Heaven all by herself
And often we take the Tramway to Heaven together.
Many a day she comes to see me in me office like, and talk about things.
God’s actually asked her to help out with his big campaign against the Devil.
And that’s just what she wanted to do anyway.
So there you go son. Me not knowing a bloody thing about it, I mean in the beginning. Shows you how you can be married for thirty years and still don’t know a bloody thing about your partner.
Fancy that son?
Think you got it all sussed out aye?
Strange son, very strange.
Heard anything about them miracles down here son?
Must have been on the news and all that.
What you say about those Hindus son?
That was some big thing aye? That God of theirs drinking the milk in all those temples all over the world.
All those Hindus bringing milk to their temples to feed a God.
God’s sucking milk everywhere.
Given a big boast to their religion, no doubt about it.
Aye, we been doing lots of miracles son.
Some small, some big.
Don’t even know where those aliens came from. Sure changed life completely. I mean there has been so much going on down here, talk about other life forms and all that.
Didni know myself how much was true about it. Well, we sure do know by now son! Seems like the people are still shocked.
Funny thing that, God himself aye, he’s told us like he didni know a thing about them aliens. Didni know himself that they were part of the Heavenly alliance Even says to me like he first thought they were sent by the Devil. Thought it was some trick of the Devil in the beginning.
But it was plain to see that they didni come from Hell soon enough.
Strange to see them flying around in those saucers.
Anyway, now they’re here we got to live with them.
Aye, they been up to Heaven too. Had along talk with God and the bosses up there. Seems like they like that other Heaven best, you know, that one where Manitou is God in the eternal hunting grounds.
Got something to do with their own history I guess.
Like they have almost been wiped out themselves at some point in their past.
Right son, I could do with another drink. Thanks.
Aye, strange to see the whole planet in such an uproar.
And me and the wife all part of it as well!
Was time something happened anyway, I dare say.
Got to wait and see what will happen now.
The devil is having a hard time son.
Since people started to realise it is all true and they donni have to be bad and all that.
They can be good and have a real reward for it son.
That Devil is loosing out, I tell you.
Just about time as well.
We were just making a right mess of our planet son, don’t you think so?
Well, I need be on my way.
Got to meet the wife up in Heaven.
Planning some details of another miracle yet.
Got to take the Tramway to Heaven son, I ain’t flying me own cloud these days.
Not with all them flying saucers around and all that.