STORIES
OF
GOD
BY
THEO TAMMES
2009
This book is dedicated to my brother Paul
STORIES OF GOD
written by Theo Tammes
Portugal
2009
Translated by Theo Tammes
Published by Riverhouse Publishers
Portugal
Some remarks
The Stories of God were written by Theo Tammes.
Of course all what happened happened truly, all persons in the book are real.
Although the author has no responsibility about God’s thoughts, opinions or behaviour, the opposite is very well the case.
God created all men, and thus also the author.
If however the author does somehow not please God, he can only be punished after life. Or maybe he will be rewarded.
Anyhow, God has the © Copyright for Heaven and Earth.
And I have the copyright for the stories of God.
©
copyright by
Theo Tammes
Casa Azul
Porto do Paul
Pernes 2000-500
Portugal
email: theotammes@gmail.com
website: http://theotammes.yolasite.com/
2
CONTENTS
Chapter one THE FIRST STORY OF GOD PAGE 5
Chapter two ANOTHER STORY OF GOD PAGE 7
Chapter three GOD IS WORKING IN HIS HOLIDAYS PAGE 11
Chapter four THE DEVIL IS FULL OF GOD’S PLANS PAGE 15
Chapter five IS GOD A HORSE THIEF? PAGE 19 Chapter six WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS WRONG? PAGE 24 Chapter seven WATER,AIR OR HORSE, LETS GO! PAGE 27 Chapter eight SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWER PAGE 33 Chapter nine TROUBLES IN HEAVEN PAGE 37
Chapter ten LEAVE ME ALONE! PAGE 38
Chapter eleven TAKE CARE OF THE FUTURE PAGE 41
3
THE FIRST STORY OF GOD
"Aye", said the little man. "I would just like to know if God exists!"
And he called out loud into the empty space, "God, do you exist?"
No answer.
He thought about that, and than decided to try it once more. "God, are you there?"
But however much he listened, there was no answer.
But that does not prove anything, the little man told himself.
On the following day he called into space as well, but he shouted just the opposite. "So you do not exist, God!"
No answer.
During that day he kept shouting every so often into space, "So you do not exist, God!"
There was no reaction whatsoever.
"Well, that is still no proof at all", said the little man to himself.
So he thought deeply for a while, or at least tried to. "Well", he said to himself. "Just suppose most people want to believe in God, and I do think so, where does that longing come from? Could it not be that God himself installed that longing in us? In fact, who else would have done that?
And if so, of course that is proof that God must exist!"
And he called into space, "You must exist God, for only you can have created the need i n us to believe in God!"
Our little man was very pleased with himself and for a while he believed he was mighty clever.
Of course there was no answer to all his shouting, and he sat down, saying to himself,"Ach aye, it is a pity just. Of course God is far too busy with more important things than talking to the likes of me."
The little man was nearly right there, but for once God changed his mind and answered back.
"Of course I am not too busy to talk to you!", said God. "After all, I have all the time in the world . But sometimes I just do not want to answer."
Our man was so pleased with this Divine answer, he nearly had a heart-attack.
God had to hold him up and beat his back and tell him to be quiet and it was all going to be all right!
But as soon as our little man recovered a bit, he was full of questions again. After all, he really did want to know and understand nearly everything! 5
So he asked God, "And that Heaven, and all that? Do you really live up there?"
"O of course not and of course well,"answered God.
"God can be anywhere he likes, at any time he likes. I can even be at more than one place at the same time, or nowhere at all!"
"Aye, aye", said the little man. "Most impressive!"
"And how about all that us being good, and praise the Lord and please him? Is all what they tell us about good behavior really true and all?
Do we really have to be good to please you, or do we have any free will at all?"
God did not answer that question directly. "So", said our little man. "That free will seems to be quite a questionable affair. If we do the right things we feel fine, but if we do the wrong things we start to feel miserable and everything starts to go against us. Well, that is not very democratic at all, if you ask me! Maybe God is just trying to ply a bit with us humans?"
Well, this time he did get an answer, because God does not like to be accused of manipulation, or his existence questioned.
"You and all of you can do exactly as you like", said God.
"It means nothing to me, I do not punish people! But somehow the universe or nature seems to take offense to bad deeds, and sooner or later they get punished.
If people are good, sooner or later they are rewarded. You just have to wait a while sometimes. But that has all nothing to do with God!"
The little man had listened carefully to God, but he did not like what he heard. "Nice way to get out of your responsibilities", he mumbled.
And he started to think a bit more about it.
Meanwhile God saw the little man was preoccupied and slipped away.
And because he was tired of the usual things, for once he went to the hairdressers.
6
ANOTHER STORY OF GOD
After God thought that he had talked enough to the little man who loved to ask questions, he disappeared. Just for a moment he thought about all his normal jobs, listening to petitions, granting miracles to questionable characters and the endless singsong of the Angels.
Of course he liked all that, for had he not created it all himself? But for the moment he shuddered slightly and reminded himself how well the universe normally ran without his interference. He was pleased to think how well he had created everything. That had been the whole idea in the first place, to make something that could keep going without daily interference!
He stretched himself and started to play some mind-games, but soon he stopped. An idea had occurred to him.
He scratched his head, plucked a couple of hairs from his beard. One he turned into a man, the other in a woman. He than scratched a bit of skin from his thumb and turned that into a very old-fashioned Dutch public house, as you might find it around 1710 or 1720 in the town of Amsterdam.
The two people he turned into the landlord and his wife, and called them, with a wicked sense of humor, Adam and Eve.
To the back of the bar was an extra room, and in it was a very nice billiard table.
Here God played many games of billiard, looking like a proper old fellow, perfectly dressed and very neat.
He drank his Amstel-beer out of big tankards with great regularity, smoked his heavy cigars, and was having a great time.
Many times he played some billiard with other guests, but even if he lost, he never lost his good mood.
Adam had to serve him and entertain him, Eve cleaned and cooked and looked after them all.
It was nearly perfect.
But after a while God noticed that Eve began to be a bit dissatisfied, and he was worried. Although he talked to her and warned her, there seemed not to be any improvement.
So one day God created a splendid looking young lassie, and let her come knocking on the door. As God had foreseen, Adam fell immediately and totally for the young beauty.
"Of course we just need an extra hand right now!", he answered her 7 question for a job.
"Is that not true, Boss?" That was directed to God.
God saw the anger and jealousy on Eve's face, and nodded smiling to Adam.
"Of course we do!"
So the lassie got the job, and started straight away.
They soon found out she was called Lizzie, and before long she had all the males in the bar chasing her, but she kept them strictly under her thumb.
Eve turned white with surpressed anger and started having headaches.
God smiled a bit and thought to himself: "You will be sorely punished woman!"
Adam was in seventh heaven, he knew neither days nor weeks anymore, nor hours or minutes. He walked about three foot above the floor, and was so obviously totally in love that it became near ridiculous.
God played his billiard, smoked his cigars and drank plenty tankards of the wonderful Amstel-beer.
And again, that is one of the nice things about being God. You can do as you please, eat and drink anything, and it has no effect on you in the long run, because you are above the physical.
The little man who asked difficult questions was meanwhile busy with his normal work, but that did not stop him from thinking and wondering. For once and for all, he just wanted to know and understand everything.
Then one of the old proverbs proved itself to be accurate again. Meet the Devil when you least expect him!
Oh aye, when you do not expect him at all, he will find you soon enough.
So it happened that the Devil met our little man one day, and he changed himself immediately into a well dressed, respectable person. He was awfully polite, and held the door open for our man when he saw he was going to enter a shop.
He inquired friendly if there was anything else he could do to be of help?
It was easy to take advantage of our little man, he was not very wise in the ways of the world, one friendly word or gesture made him firmly believe you were wonderful!
So he thought the Devil very friendly and a nice person, and after sorting his purchases they ended up walking through the town together, blathering away.
A while later the Devil proposed: "A cup of coffee, maybe?"
And our man, being in a good mood, replied:"Indeed, if I may invite you!"
So they enjoyed a nice cup of real Dutch coffee, and talked a bit more.
The Devil was having a wonderful time, but always when he enjoyed 8 himself too much, his horns started to become visible, sometimes growing right trough his hat. Even his ugly trotters sometimes became visible.
So he had to watch his own appearance all the time.
Not that our little man would have noticed, he was too happy talking.
"Well", said the Devil after a while: "I normally have a gin and tonic around this time of the day. Would you mind joining me?"
And of course that was the start of the downfall of our little man. For the Devil knew fine well that alcohol loosens the tongue, and it also slows the critical mind and confuses the brain.
Our little man now began talking of God and the Devil, and spouted all his theories about the world, people and almost anything.
The Devil listened politely, and inquired after a while :" And do you believe in all what is said about the Devil?"
Our man replied that most likely a lot was over the top. "The Devil is possibly not half as bad as is made out!", he boldly declaimed.
"But what I do not understand is, why does God not get rid of the Devil ?"
That was a bit much for the Devil himself, and he answered vaguely : " Maybe God likes to spice up the world a bit?
But you see how everything bad in this world is laid at the foot of the devil. If that were true, it would mean God was not all that almighty and powerful."
Our man had no answer to this remark.
"I see it this way", the Devil said. "If anybody gets what they want, then that is a blessing and wonderful. If God puts us full of wants and needs, and we can fulfill some of these desires, than that is great! You could not call that bad at all!"
After all their talking they had become thirsty again, so they entered another bar. Since both insisted on paying, they ended up with two gin and tonics each.
And somehow that special day every gin and tonic seemed to taste better than the one before, so our little man was soon becoming pretty drunk!
It takes a lot more to get the Devil drunk, that is not impossible, but quite difficult. Anyway, the Devil was far from drunk, but after a dozen or more gin and tonics he lost maybe some of his concentration and reaction-speed.
So, when they finally walked by chance in God’s own little bar, the Devil for once did not notice.
What he did notice though, was the billiard table in the back room.
"Ach, how nice", he said. "Come on, let’s play a game of billiards!"
For however strange it may seem, both God and the Devil love a game of billiards. 9
Lizzie filled the glasses, Adam smiled friendly, Eve was clearing up behind the bar,and God made himself scarce on the backstairs.
"Adam!" God hissed at him: "Come here a moment!"
"You go get a bit of good strong rope, and bring along a strong big bag as well. And when you come back, hide under the table and catch that Devil’s legs!"
It all happened as God planned it, and soon the Devil was lying roped on the floor. Normally the Devil could easily have escaped, but today our little man choose just this moment to faint, and he landed right on top of the Devil when he was captured.
God and Adam together had him tied up with the rope in seconds, and he was quickly put away into the strong bag.
God was having a wonderful time!
"You do not catch that kind of fish everyday, Adam", he said. "Thank you very much".
"Now to put him in the nearest real hot fire, and we are rid of that misfit for a bit. They carried him together to the town of IJmuiden, where the Dutch steel-industry was situated, and threw the Devil into the hottest furnace they could find. Now they could return home.
Meanwhile Eve had woken up our little man temporarily, to find out his name and address. After that she carried him home over her shoulder, her being rather strong.
So when God and Adam returned to the old-fashioned bar, they only found Lizzie waiting for them.
God drank another beer, and went to bed. Adam and Lizzie now had the chance they had been waiting for, and soon they were at it in the matrimonial bed.
God did not mind that at all, but when Eve returned just a bit later, she exploded!
Grabbing the next best thing, which proved to be a heavy poker, she started beating these two lovers. She hit Lizzie first, and she fell unconscious out of the bed. Adam tried to defend himself, but it was not looking too good for him!
All the noise woke God, and after watching for a while he acted.
He turned Adam into an old sick wolf, Eve’s poker into a hairbrush, and Lizzie escaped through a window in the shape of a pigeon.
Thus ended one of God’s most entertaining days.
10
GOD IS WORKING IN HIS HOLIDAYS!
For a while God was having a holiday on the Dutch island of Texel, the first one of a chain of islands to the north of mainland Holland, in a part of the North Sea the Dutch call the Waddenzee. Sea of the wads, which are man made low islands, mainly consisting of sand with a covering of grass.
He liked it there very well, walked about the beach a lot, went swimming and ate lots of ice-creams.
That was one of his weak spots.
He stayed at a very proper and clean bed and breakfast, dressed and behaved like a gentleman, and called himself Mister Smith.
He had to go to Heaven every so often of course, but mostly he was back within a day or so. The Italian ice-cream seller knew him well before long, and could guess which ice-cream he was going to choose.
But one terrible day everything went wrong. First of all God forgot his purse, so he could not buy himself an ice-cream. Then he fell and sprained his ankle really badly and very painfully.
Stumbling home he was suddenly attacked and bitten by a dog. That had never ever happened before in this world, and God was speechless for a while.
Because of the bite he had to go to the hospital and later report it at the local police-station. There he lost his temper, only for a minute amount of time, but enough for a young constable to feel aggrieved and fine him twenty pounds.
Now God was more than speechless, he was fuming also!
That had never happened before either, neither in heaven nor anywhere.
That was adding insult to injury, and God decided he had had enough of the isle of Texel for a good while.
So he made his way to the shore, and started to walk over the waters.
As so often when doing that, he changed himself into a giant, somehow it seem to make the walking easier and more enjoyable.
Of course Jesus had inherited that special power from his Father.
And whilst the waters of the Waddenzee flowed and ebbed as usual, God walked on and on.
Because he was a bit miffed he paid less attention than normal as to where he was going, until he suddenly felt a splinter in his foot, and heard a lot of noise of breaking and splintering wood, and a very angry voice: "He, you big idiot! Can you not watch what you are doing? 11
And get of my boat, will you!"
This was followed by the blob, blob of a sinking vessel, and a smaller voice now pleading: "Help, please help me, I can’t swim"
Where upon God grabbed down and lifted a small boy of around ten years of age out of the water. He lifted him high up to have a look and said: "Well, in another hour the tide is out and you can stand here!"
But the boy was having none of that. "In another hour I will be nearer to Heaven than to the bottom of the sea", he said.
"Well anyway", asked God, "What where you doing there?"
"Sailing, just sailing", answered the boy. "I was just sailing when you great big fool stepped on my boat!"
By now the boy had recovered a bit from his fright, and the anger set in. His cones shimmered bright red, his angry eyes were blazing furiously at God. It was such a funny sight that God nearly burst out laughing.
"And how am I ever to get home now, and what will I do without my boat?"
Here upon God did not have an immediate answer. "Well well, I am sorry", he said. "I really never wanted to step on your boat or do you any harm. I must have been thinking too much or so, to know what I was doing. Please forgive me".
Of course the boy did not know that the giant really was God, or that God very rarely apologised.
After thinking a bit he offered to take the boy home and get a replacement for the boat. "But first I am going to make you a bit bigger", he said. "And I am also giving you the power to walk over the waters, for I am not going to carry you all the way". Soon after the two of them were walking over the sea, side by side, and it was well that there were no spectators just than, for nobody would have believed in two giants walking over the sea.
"So what is your name and where do you live?"asked God.
"I am called Harry, and I live on the island of Terschelling, next to the
boat-building yard", answered the boy. "Well, and could the boat-builder not make you another boat?" God inquired.
"Sure", said Harry, "For he made this one. If you want I will take you there straight away".
And so they decided and the boy was now happy enough. He enjoyed walking over the waters, but could not understand how it was possible.
In the end they arrived at the island, and God turned them both into normal seize again.
After passing his own home, Harry showed God the big boat-shed.
"That is it!", he told God triumphantly. "That big place! And Master 12 Foreleg has no bell or anything, you just go in and shout: Hello!"
And that was just what God did.
"hello, halloo", he shouted. "Good day to you, Sir!"
All he could see at first were big piles of planks and beams, lying helter-skelter all over the place. In between were all sorts of boats in various stages of repair. In the end he spotted Master Foreleg in the back, working away at a big beam, that maybe one day could become a keel.
The Master was shaving and forming the beam.
God put on his best smile and began:"If you please Sir, I have damaged the boat of your young neighbour Harry here, and I have promised to buy him another boat. So if you please could make him another one?"
Master Foreleg looked him up and down, than he said:"Oh yes, I know young Harry here, he is the son of one of my neighbours. And a very good boat he used to have! But there is no chance at all in my building a new boat. This whole year Sir, I am already fully booked. Far more work than I can produce. So if you kindly will come back next year or so, I might be able to help you".
And with that he turned back to resume his work.
God was speechless once more.
But not for long. Nobody, but really nobody in this world had ever denied God anything. So God was furious. A hot rage burned through him, and before he could help himself he smote the boat-builder.
When Master Foreleg returned to consciousness, he had learned a lesson.
He still did not know who his visitor was, but he knew that he was very strong, mighty strong, knew what he wanted and did not take no for an answer.
So if this person wanted a boat build for young Harry, so be it!
Accordingly he smiled vaguely to God, and started talking to young Harry. "Can you remember the exact length?" he inquired.
"And would the mast come just below the ceiling, what do you think?"
Soon enough he was very much engaged with talking to Harry, trying to reconstruct the plans of his boat, and God had a bit time to look around some more.
He was very pleased with it all, he liked woodwork anyway, just like Jesus.
"And what an improvement since Noah", he told himself.
By the end of the day Master Foreleg had so far worked out the details of Harry’s boat, that he could sketch a plan on a bit of paper. "Go home now, Harry", he said, "And tell your parents all what has happened today".
"And you Sir, you better stay. You can sleep in the corner over there, 13
and keep the night-watch. I will need all the help I can get to make an extra boat, so both of you will have to help. And what was the name again Sir?"
So God called himself mister Fruit-juice from Hampden Court, and reassured the Master that he had always loved boat-building.
That is how God and Harry both became assistant-boat-builders to Master Foreleg, and both liked it really very much. God had plenty time to visit Heaven in the night and clear his normal jobs, for the boat-shed was never visited in the night.
Harry came all hours that he did not have to go to school, and work progressed very nicely.
Sometimes Master Foreleg was even singing softly!
When finally the day came that the new boat was going to be christened, it was time for God to say goodbye.
"And remember", he told Harry, "If you are ever in trouble with water, you can still walk over the waters!"
So it happened sometimes that some folk in the area asked themselves if they really had lost their marbles, when they saw a small boy walking across the surface of the sea!
14
GOD’S PLANS ARE POSSESED BY THE DEVIL
After a while the Devil surfaced again. He rose like a phoenix out of the ashes, because you can not get rid of the Devil for long, as long as the world exists.
Because he thought he had to have some sort of revenge on the good Lord, the Devil started to plan the downfall of Human kind in the long term.
For the first time ever he started to use his brains and started thinking about humans and their weaknesses.
Greed, found the Devil, the wanting to possess what is not rightly yours , that greed the Devil loved especially.
With that human greed, he told himself, I can get nearly every human soul!
So he started his campaign, and over the next years he proved to be very successful.
He changed himself in different persons for different countries.
In Holland he became mister Renselaar, head of the commission of advice to the government, and in that way he had a lot of influence without much exposure.
In Germany he went by the name of Herr Kronenburg, head of a similar advice commission to the German government.
In Great Britain he just called himself mister Smith, and led the secret advice commission to the prime minister.
He was very successful in all cases, meanwhile staying in the background.
More violence, more weapons. More divorces and totally wrecking the family as an institution, getting everyone unto drugs, and after that wonderful sexual revolution a nice illness like aids. These were some of the thoughts and plans of the Devil.
The Devil had indeed done a bit of thinking, he had laid bare a lot of the human weaknesses. The Devil in the shape of mister Renselaar went to work.
Because his plans were laid out for the long term nobody recognised them, for all the politicians can only see the short term plans. Instant results, or forget it, that was the modern way of life!
The Devil had spectacular results in America especially, and when he thought about the United States he often smiled. And when the Devil smiles his cruel smile, something is very rotten indeed!
Our little man who liked to ask difficult questions, was one day 15
transferred by his boss to The Hague.
To get to know the place he went out a lot, visiting bars and coffee houses, meeting people in theaters and cinemas, visiting exhibitions and cabarets.
The week-ends were used for long walks on the beach, testing different restaurants and visiting the odd museum.
In short, he was busy.
He first met mister Renselaar in a café, and somehow they got talking. They found they had a lot to say to each other, and every time they met afterwards they had a small talk.
That seemed to happen two or three times a week, and our little man had no idea that there was any deliberation in that.
Because he was still full with questions about God and the Devil, they of course talked about them as well.
The Devil listened patiently to our little man and his theories, and often nodded his head. Then he started slowly to explain to our little man what the Devil really was doing, and that proved to be a lot.
"You see", said mister Renselaar:"The world is possessed by the Devil!"
Where upon he had a good laugh.
"I mean, every one can see that as clear as a bell! More wars, more aggression, more violence. Even the number of drug-addicts is rising daily! And divorces, well divorce are ten a penny. It nearly seems as if it had to be this way! Just terrible, unbelievable. And look what happened to that great sexual revolution! Every body sleeping around! And now, every body getting Aids. That has to be invented by the Devil!"
And he was right there, because the Devil had indeed invented Aids, and was very proud of that. It brought him more souls than even Cocaine or Heroin.
Our little man could but agree, and was quite miserable about that.
"And why does God allow all that?" asked mister Renselaar. "Because God is not almighty at all. And just look around you, empty churches every where, not enough priests in most countries. I think the people have just had their fill of this old-fashioned God and his whole works!"
That was putting it a bit strong, but still our man had not much to reply.
"To me it looks as if the Devil has taken over", said mister Renselaar.
"And to top it all everyone seems to be getting cancer as well!"
All of that was true, and our little man felt like he could cry with sheer frustration.
All of a sudden life did not seem so nice any more.
Because he kept meeting mister Renselaar, and they kept talking about all the bad things in the world, our little man started slowly to suffer with 16 depression.
The Devil noticed that of course, and was highly pleased.
After all, he is a nasty character!
Mister Renselaar turned the screw a bit tighter, and said:" The weapon industry is doing fine, the people are becoming more selfish by the day, and God seems to be nowhere".
Our little man wondered what was really happening. How could God tolerate all these horrible things?
The next time he met mister Renselaar he said: " And all The lying and stealing! Surely to God that is forbidden by law! And all the pornography on the television! Is that not terrible just? And where is the police when they are needed?"
After another drink he added: "And where is the police these days anyway? You only see them when they want to give you a fine!"
Our little man was totally right there, and even the Devil grinned.
"Aye", said our little man. "The world is sure chancing, but improving is something else!"
He was thinking about all mister Renselaar had told him. For instance that the Devil had invented the television, just to manipulate the people more and easier. That was putting it a bit strong, he thought, but still, there was something in that.
And all those new diseases? Cancers galore, every bug under the sun out in the open and killing people! And he started to get a bit more depressed.
And when he thought about all the drug-addicts, he felt really faint.
That night a terrible thunderstorm passed over the town, and when our little man suddenly saw the lightning strike in his own front garden, inches from his face, he got such a fright that he burst out in tears.
That had not happened in many long years, and now all the frustrations about the Devil’s many works flowed over, and he cried out in despair for God.
And God was listening, in fact he had been waiting for a while for a cry from our little man, for he knew exactly what the Devil was doing.
"Come to me here up in the Heaven", he said to our little man. "Then we can have a good talk!"
And he send some Angels down to fetch our little man safely and securely, and soon they were both sitting down on a nice cloud.
God was dangling his feet over the edge of the cloud, and after being reassured by God , our little man tried that himself too. He found he liked it very much!
"Well", said God. "Tell me all about it". 17
And our little man did.
If all had been true he was saying, it would have been indeed a dark
day for God and the world, but after a while God just began to laugh. So loud that the whole Heaven was reverberating.
Our little man stopped surprised. "And do you really believe all that crap the Devil was telling you?" inquired God.
And he had to laugh again. "Ach that Devil", he said. "Such fun, so persuasive! He must be the best liar in the world".
After that God started to explain to our little man how the Devil was pursuing mostly God’s plans, without knowing it.
"How else can I ever improve the human race, if I do not know their weaknesses?" God asked.
He talked at great length to our little man before finally sending him home, his heart so much the lighter for his new understanding.
18
IS GOD A HORSE THIEF?
On a nice sunny morning God found himself fishing in the canal that runs between the towns of Almelo and Nordhorn. It was still early, a Sunday in early Summer, and there were few folk and no boats about.
His bottle of gin was cooling down in the reeds, and on the back of his bicycle, conveniently parked against a nearby tree, was a box with sandwiches and a bottle of coffee. Right now he could not think of a better life!
Every so often a little drink, and keep the sandwiches for later.
It was strange that God should find himself in Holland again, but he felt nearly fine in his Dutch skin. Not that he ever found himself totally fine in any skin he put on, not even as a Scotsman or a German did he feel any better.
Around ten o’clock a farmhand came along the towpath, leading two horses. God talked to him for a bit and admired the horses. He thought them good and strong young beasts.
"And where do you have to take them to? "he inquired. "I have to take them to the Notary in Almelo", the farmhand replied. "He will buy them, and he has offered thirty pieces of silver for the two of them. My boss needs the money, you see".
"And would your boss have any other horses?" asked God. "Oh, aye", answered the man. "He has another two or so he wants to sell, but not until the winter. He likes to keep them as long as the food grows for free beside the roads!"
The farmhand now was starting to move on, but God stopped him.
"I would offer your boss twenty pieces of silver for each horse", he said. "But I need four horses at least. Do you think he would sell them to me for a good price?" And the man assured God that his boss would sell anything for a good price, including his wife!
"Well", said God. "You better turn around horses and all, and lets get back to your boss." And that is what they did. The farmhand leading the way, they soon espied a lovely farmhouse, surrounded by fields of the typical red and white "Twentse" cows. Behind them God spotted another field with at least twenty horses in it.
"But your boss has lots of horses!" he exclaimed.
The farmhand grinned, and said: "He just happens to like them beasties a lot." 19
It became a nice visit after all. At first the Farmer was going to give his hired hand a good telling off, but after God explained that it was all due to him, because he wanted to buy four horses, he was happy enough.
"Well, we will just have to tell the notary his price turned out to be too low. Although he is not going to like it", he said to God.
Then the horses had to be tested, and that took a lot of time. Hoofs were lifted and inspected, jaws opened and teeth studied, walking and running was demonstrated, until God finally made his choice, and only the final price had to be negociated. After a couple of drinks they reached agreement, and God paid the farmer cash in hand!
After that he had to stay for dinner and not until several hours and cups of coffee later, could God finally get underway.
Following the canal with his four horses, God found himself softly singing at first, and loudly rendering all sorts of nursery songs before long.
He was in an excellent mood, and kept going well into the evening. Until he arrived at an inn, where he got himself a bed and his horses a stable.
Life was not so bad after all!
The next day they reached Nordhorn, and God took a good look around. There was a big party in the town, for the first train station in Nordhorn had just opened. For fun he inquired if he could take horses on a train, but was very seriously told that he could indeed, in a boxcar of course, and he would have the choice to travel as an attendant to the horses, with them, or on a separate ticket in the normal coach.
God was delighted, he really was seriously thinking about it.
But he enjoyed walking along the canals so much, and when he was told there was any amount of shady walks to Münster, he decided just to continue.
So he left after eating and drinking and dancing his fill.
His horses behaved grand, he rode them in turn for around two hours at a time, and that kept all of them happy. Shortly before Münster he found that the road was blocked. It soon emerged that a traveling circus had a broken- down wagon, and the elephant was in a bad mood, and all the children were moaning and crying.
What a noise!
But luckily the circus-director soon returned with a wheelwright, and soon all the problems were solved, the elephant sweetened up by two dozen bananas, the children firmly told off by the director.
"Come with us!", God was told. "We have reserved a great meadow by the river, and there will be ample place there for you and your horses too!"
God followed the invitation, and it turned out to be good fun. 20
He had never before stayed with a circus, but all the noise, the animals, the tricks and the glitter made it very nice. He even performed some tricks himself, and played the trombone in the orchestra for a couple of hours.
But after a couple of days he had to say good-bye and went on his way again.
Germany is big if you walk through it, and it took God a good while to get even near the middle.
But one day Berlin was on the signposts, and he felt he was doing good.
He planned to spend a couple of days there , since he had heard so much about the city, but it turned out differently
Because he came across a beautiful castle, a day or two before Berlin, and got into a conversation with the owner, a Baron von Goldstein. Immediately he was invited to stay at the castle, and since the Baron was also an inventor, he had lots of things he wanted to show to God.
A lot of his inventions did not work, but it was all very interesting, and one thing, a real air-ship, rather impressed God a lot.
The Baron explained that bags with a special gas would lift the air-ship as soon as he had invented it, and then all you had to do was to raise the sails and set course to where-ever you liked!
God thought to himself that the contraption would never fly, far too heavy! But, if you would build it with a very light wood, it might one day indeed prove a wonderful way of traveling around the world.
It took a week before God could finally could escape the friendly Baron, and so he felt he was in a hurry and did not stop in Berlin, but walked straight through it. The horses did not mind either, they had had a lengthy rest at the castle, so all put their best feet forward, and on they went.
They crossed the border into Poland, and there God came one day across that selfsame very light timber that might be used to build an airship. He was amazed at the trees, they looked just like oaks, but the timber was so light that one man alone could lift a whole tree.
God was now really thinking of how to build an air-ship, but since he did not know enough about it, he would need some help and advice.
Being lucky, he ran across a scientist, who had even been a boat-builder in a former life, and God talked all his ideas over with this man.
The scientist was impressed, disappeared for a couple of days, and than came back to God to explain that it should just be possible, using the very lightest timber only, and a strong enough gas, but he could not guarantee it could either float normally, or really take off through the heavens.
"Never mind", said God. "If it is possible at all, it will be done."
Now he had only to find out where would be the best place to have 21
his air-ship build, and he certainly had no idea himself.
But after asking around it proved easy, for everybody said immediately:"Danzig. If you build a boat you go to Danzig., best boat-builders in the world!"
"And where and how would I get all the wood needed?" inquired God.
"Well, there are big timber-merchants nearby in Warsaw, there you can order timber from anywhere in the world, and have it delivered to where you want!"
God could not believe it, but it proved to be true, and he was quite happy about it.
So now he turned towards the North with his horses, and they walked all the way to the town of Danzig.
God liked the town straight away, the boats, the buildings, the endless coming and going, the sailors all over the place, as usual drunk or on the way there, and usual also after the women.
God liked harbours anyway, and this one especially. He looked at a great amount of wharfs, and finally selected the one he liked best.
Now for the plans!
"A boat that can fly? But that is impossible!" This was the owner of the wharf. But his designers listened to God, and once they understood what he wanted, they promised to make a design.
So God rented himself a fine townhouse with a big walled garden for his horses, for the planning and building were going to take a considerable amount of time.
As soon as the plans were ready and approved, the ordering for the timber had to be done, sails and ropes had to be ordered too, and just about another one or two more million things. God was kept busy, whilst the boat-builders started work.
Busy or not, God did see a lot of the town and partook in many parties and events. He also took his horses out daily, to keep them fit and trim.
Just as God mostly knows where the Devil is, the Devil has no troubles in finding out where God is. And when he found himself with a bit of time on his hands, he made his way to Danzig.
It did not take him long to find out where God was living, or what he was doing, for after all, there were not too many foreigners having a boat build in the town, and specially not one made of these specially light timbers!
The Devil started spreading rumours about God straight away. He also made firm friends with all the lawyers and judges in the town, and spend a lot of time and money on befriending the Burgomeister and his civil servants. 22
Soon he began to spread worse rumours, like:"I have heard he has stolen all that money!"
The week after it was:"Somebody told me he murdered a rich uncle and than stole his money!"
But when the Devil discovered that God kept four horses, he was delighted.
"For of course we can proof that he stole those horses",he told his new friend, the Burgomeister. "Actually, did he not steal them from Master Eichenblut?"
And within days the Devil had spread so many rumours and accusations against God, that the Town-councilors made him appear before them.
God was not prepared for their aggressive questions and assumptions, and it ended badly.
The councilors decided he would have to stand trial, and was put in jail until such time. Luckily the Devil was in a hurry to harass God, and the trial was started within the week.
Nobody was there to defend God, and before he knew it he was found guilty and jailed for two years.
Finally he could make himself heard and he said to the judge and the jury:"How come, if I have stolen the horses of this Herr Eichenblut, whom I do not know and have never seen, how come my horses understand only Dutch?"
There was a bit of a shock after this statement, for if that was true it might prove that God was not guilty after all. Very reluctantly the judge ordered this question to be settled, and the whole court repaired to the house God had rented.
There he was ordered to talk to his horses, and make them obey orders.
Luckily the horses only obeyed the Dutch orders from God, and no-one else could make them do anything.
So after all, God was freed temporarily because of lack of evidence, but he was not in a good mood.
The Devil was happy enough, he had pestered God a lot, and caused him lots of problems, and he left the town with a big grin on his face.
God was free again, but the headlines of the papers read:"Rich foreigner accused of theft!"
23
WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS WRONG?
It was just as well that God had had enough of the world for a bit, because Heaven needed him. Whilst God was having fun travelling the world, something very strange was going on in Heaven.
Things were disappearing, meetings were adjourned, lies were being told, and worst of all, whole battalions of Angels had gone missing.
But the very most terrible and unimaginative thing was the disappearance of God’s throne.
God could do without it, and did not mind so much, but for some of the big occasions it was desperately needed!
The whole Heaven, turning over ever so smoothly for so many centuries, was in turmoil.
Nobody knew what was the matter, not even the smallest little Angel had any idea what was wrong, but they all knew something was badly wrong.
Of course the Devil was the first suspect, but for once he was innocent, and had obviously nothing to do with the troubles.
O.K., God’s throne was gone, but a new one could be constructed. But the next day the trumpets were gone, and how in hell’s name can the Angels blow a real good welcome without them?
As is well known, the candles behind the stars were lighted every night, and the oil-lamps filled up. Until, yes until one day the candles were gone and the oil had disappeared.
Well, there were only few things really needed in Heaven, but without candles or oil it could just not function.
The Angels looked everywhere, but had to give up in the end and started to cry, being totally discouraged.
That is the problem with them, they are so used to being successful, they can not take no for an answer.
Fall to bits art the least problem. You could nearly call them soft-centered!
The Arch-Angels, who should have known a lot better then that, also lost their marbles, and Heaven was in a terrible state!
Thankfully, God,s arrival quieted them all, and once he understood that there were no lights in Heaven, he send big swads of Angels down to buy more candles and oil, and bring it back immediatly.
That was one problem solved, now for the rest.
After some light was restored to Heaven, God called for a general meeting.
Everybody was invited to come and tell what he or she knew to be 24 missing, what people had seen or maybe seen, and any ideas or plans to remedy the troubles in Heaven.
After a while it became clear that Saint Peter was missing, and that caused most worries and troubles.
After questioning the latest arrivals, it was found that at the same time a big group of Angels had disappeared too.
Had the Angels kidnapped Saint Peter, or had somebody else kidnapped both Saint Peter and the Angels?
Nobody knew, and certainly God did not know either.
He started to feel a bit strange just then.
The Heaven was full of groups of weeping Angels, and some late arrivals now really wondered if they should not have gone to the other place.
As luck would have it, Heaven had an abundance of souls of detectives, and God decided to ask them for help. Were they not trained investigators after all?
Very soon the first Heavenly Detective Agency was started and operated under God’s guidance.
Moses was appointed secretary, and all were sworn to secrecy and honesty.
All the most famous detectives of the past, including inspector Clusseou and Monsieur Simenon, went to work with a vengeance.
Luckily it did not prove to be too difficult, just another case of following all the leads, interviewing every body, and carefully checking time-schedules and places.
Before long a list was manufactured where all souls were marked who had been at most of the disappearances.
After careful consideration only around a hundred names were left.
Now the real questioning could begin.
And then one of these freak moments came, one guy first did not want to be questioned, but then stopped making a fuss.
Well, he had drawn attention to himself, and as expected, he proofed to be the culprid.
He was a Czech engineer,
"I only wanted to prove that every thing is possible", he stated.
Somehow he had figured out how you could move between two dimensions, and was busy installing an invisible drain-pipe system in the Heaven.
That he used to let things disappear, but later he was going to use it to introduce new things into Heaven as well.
"But that man is crazy!" the Angels cried.
"What do you mean, crazy?" said the Archangels. 25
"He is stark crazy And dangerous and should be send to Hell straight away!"
Most inhabitants of Heaven seemed to agree with that, but God put a stop to it.
"I agree fully that this person is dangerous and crazy at the moment", he said. "But I hope that he might one day be turned into a good and useful soul anyway".
He scratched his chin a bit and added,"I will go and have a word with Buddha, he might want to put him in his Nirvana, or maybe let him be reborn somewhere".
And with that the Heaven had to content.
As long as that person never came back!
26
BY AIR, WATER OR HORSEBACK, LET’S GO!
The air-ship slowly started to take shape. Of course God kept himself informed, at least once a week he went to Danzig to have a look.
By the time the christening was nearing, he returned to the house he had rented, and was busy enough with all that had to be done.
Ordering supplies, buying tools, getting spare planks and spars, just the normal one or two million things that have to be done before every major expedition.
Apart from being busy end having fun, he was wondering about which route he would eventually take. He also worried about where he would find a crew. What worried him even more at times was that the crew would have to learn to man and steer an air-ship for the first time in their lives!
"Ach well", he said to himself. "I guess we better just sail her out of the harbour first. Then we can see if she wants to fly, and how".
But there was no reason to be worried about the crew however, for somehow rumours had gone about that the new ship was going to sail around the world and everybody on board would earn a fortune.
As a result there was a long list of volunteers written down at the wharf’s office, and God only needed them all to line up and question them to make his choice.
He took the ones he liked best, as long as they looked friendly, and strong, he was happy. But he insisted that all of them spoke at least two languages, and he also assured them that it was not part of his obligations to make them eventually into millionaires.
"But you will have fair pay!" he assured them.
As was to be expected he ended up with a weird mix, sailors of all ages and countries, but all friendly enough.
"As long as they do not fight!" was God’s greatest worry.
Now it is only the stable boy and the cook we are looking for, God told himself. And of course the captain.
Luck was on his side, for that very same day, when he returned to the house, a neighbour came to ask if he should care for the horses whilst God was away. And when he heard that the horses were coming as well, he offered to come along and look after them.
That was another problem solved, and God relaxed a bit.
27
The cook proved easy too, for a couple of days later there came a knock on the door, and God found a tiny Chinese waiting outside, bowing deeply.
"Me good cook", he said. "Me best soup, me cook nice meat for you!"
The man looked so sincere that God gave him the job, and told him to report on board.
"Well, it is going all right", he told himself. "But captains seem to be sparse right now".
Since there was yet a couple of weeks to go before they would sail, he was not too worried. "Something always crops up", he reassured Sam, the stable boy.
His name was originally Stanislaw, but God did not like that name, so he shortened it to Sam, and it stuck.
Sam had become great friends with God, who appreciated his love for animals and his sharp little wits.
One evening, whilst they were strolling about the town, the door of a bar opened, and out rolled a thoroughly drunken captain. To the amazement of Sam and God, he managed to stand up as soon as he recognized God, and presented himself. "Captain Wonderful", he introduces himself. "Captain Roger Wonderful. I have heard all about your new ship, and I will sail her where-ever you want , sir!"
God made some inquiries, and learned that the man was indeed a good sailor, a trustworthy captain, and the only problem with him was that he got terribly drunk sometimes.
But, many men were like that. So God relented and employed the fellow, and he never had to be sorry for that!
Although the ship was now laden with most of her supplies, she still rode too high in the water, so God needed ballast.
In the end he found the solution. "Ballast, lots of ballast", he said. "But it has to be cheap and easily gotten rid off."
The obvious answer was sand, and soon the sailors were loading hundreds of bags of sand down the hatches.
"That we can just throw overboard, when and as much as we need to!" said God to Sam.
The time neared for the ship to be christened, and a name was needed.
A lot of names were mentioned, everyone had other ideas, but in the end God decided on "Cloud-hunter", and she was duly christened like that.
It was a marvelous event, all the sailors had permission to bring their families and loved ones, the Burgomeister and the city council came, but the bishop was first in line. Behind them followed the band, which in turn was followed by the rest of the population. 28
Not everyday was a brand-new ship, build in a special way with very light timbers christened in the town, and all wanted to share in the fun.
After the ceremonies were over, and the people were enjoying their free drinks, they sailed the Cloud-hunter slowly out of the harbour, and as soon as they were out of sight of land, God started to fill his bags with gas.
One after the other, and when around a hundred had been blown up, the ship started to rise slowly out of the water!
Then God ordered some of the ballast to be thrown overboard, and soon she lifted her nose towards the clouds.
The men had trouble trimming her in the beginning, but soon got the hang of that.
"Raise the sails", ordered the captain, and away they went. A stiff breeze send them towards Estonia, and that was just where the captain planned to go.
The funny thing was that as soon as they rose into the air, some of the crew turned whole new shades of green, and God himself joked, "Now you can not only get seasick, you can also get airsick!"
So started the first flight of a real air-ship in the world, and everyone on board was proud to be part of it.
At night God proposed to the captain that they go down and lay to for the night. "For", he said,"It would not do going sailing through the air without being able to see eventual obstacles."
The captain fully agreed, although it would slow down the journey.
Within a couple of days the men got totally used to this new way of travelling, and within the week they were all enjoying it.
Every other day God asked the captain to land somewhere near the coast, to exercise the horses, and Sam would take off for a couple of hours with all four of them.
Only one accident happened, and that was a very sad one. The youngest sailor on board, the cabin-boy, was on duty on the look-out high up in the mainmast, and somehow fell down and into the sea.
By the time they had found him he was sadly drowned and dead, and all felt upset and chastened.
The sailed over Lituenia, and into Russia. The captain promised to take them to Saint Petersburg, and that suited the crew and the Lord very well.
They wanted to explore the best parts of the city, most of them knew the women were first rate in Russia, but the wodka had to be tested all over again.
God himself wanted to pay a visit to the Czar, because right then the relations between the rich Dutch traders and the Russian Royals was 29
very friendly. Big money was made on both sides.
The Czar was highly interested in the air-ship, and after inspecting it, he wanted to order two dozen straight away. "You better go to Danzig yourself, your Honour", said God. "There they know how to build them".
Since he mentioned Mongolia, he was asked to bring back a thousand horses for the royal Guard, and that was only one of the first orders God was going to get from all sorts of Russians.
Horses were cheap in Mongolia, they only cost between fifteen and twenty rubles each there, and more than two hundred in Russia.
Sam wrote it duly all into his pocket book.
One day they flew just over a little village on a Sunday whilst mass was being held in the church, and God looked down and was happy with all he saw.
"Would you all like to stop and go to mass?" he inquired. But the sailors had other ideas, and preferred to keep going.
When however the population came out of the church after mass, and saw the air-ship, they thought the Devil had come for them, and shouted and cried and wailed!
God thought that very funny. "You wait and see", he shouted down. "The Devil will come soon enough to all of you!"
A while later they were crossing over a big forest where some big lords were hunting down below, when one of them took a potshot at the air-ship by mistake.
Never had anybody heard the captain swear like that at this affront.
"Well here and there and Thunder and Lightning", he shouted. "Are you all blind and deaf total idiots down there? Can you not look what you are doing, you .......idiots?"
He nearly killed the poor shot after they had come down, and the Lord himself had to pull him off the man.
It was a bad beginning for a meeting, but the big landowner who owned the forest was so interested in the air-ship, that they soon forgot all about the incident.
He wanted to see everything, and then offered to buy the airship then and there. God was surprised, and did not want to think about it, but the captain said, "Why not? The winds will blow us right up to Siberia, and far too far to the North, we will never make Mongolia with this ship.
If you really want to go there, you would be better off with your horses".
Since they were invited to stay at the landowners big mansion for as long as they liked, a decision was reached in the end, and God sold his air-ship for an enormous amount to the Baron. 30
"But what about you and the crew?" he asked the captain. "Ach well", he answered. "We go with the ship. As long as you pay us up to now, we will fly the Baron about just as he will like it."
Sam of course was going to go with God, and funnily enough the little Chinese cook also wanted to come with them, for he thought that Mongolia was on the way to China, and he wanted to go home.
And so it happened that God followed the tracks and roads across Russia, helped by Sam and looked after by the Chinese cook.
The Czar had given him a free permit to use all hostels in the whole of Russia, and also to use all military institutions.
Thus they always managed to eat and drink well, and found often a very good bed for the night.
But travelling through Russia was a very slow business in those days, and they were mighty glad one day to arrive in Mongolia, looking forward to a good long rest.
31
SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Mongolia was very green en pretty flat. Mostly.
For people who like grass, it was a paradise. You could ride all day over the plains, and the horizon never came any nearer.
The Mongolians seemed to love horses above anything else. They all had big numbers of them, and also big herds of sheep. Caring for the animals took a great deal of their time.
They lived in big tents, called Yurts, made with big strips of felt, sticks and bits of rope. Very ingenious, and often made very comfortable. GOD and Sam were invited nearly everywhere for a meal or to spend the night.
They had to go to the Capital, Ulan Bator, to be presented to the Khan.
On the way there they lost their cook, for the China-man met some herders who wanted to gamble with him, and he could not resist.
So he asked God for his wages, and left. Later they learned that he had nearly lost all his money, but had bought a lottery ticket with his last rubles, and won the lottery and thus returned to China a millionaire after all!
Having arrived in the Capital, God and Sam visited the royal Yurt, and were introduced. God had luckily brought some gifts along, and they must have met with approval, for they were granted the right to take temporarily residency, and trade in horses.
God was well pleased. Sam looked in his book, and figured that they had orders to the total of nearly eighteen thousand horses.
“I do not know how we are going to buy them all, or take them all back”, he said.
“We will just start with a few, and take it from there”,God replied.
So began one of the most amazing things God ever did, trading in horses.
And he was good at it, very good. Sam admired him a lot, and together they had some fun.
The Mongolians all wanted to be paid in cash, and accepted rubles without any troubles. God needed big supplies of them, but he did not mind.
Every day they had more horses, and soon they had to appoint Mongolian shepherds to help them out. Days passed into weeks, weeks into months, and still they were buying horses.
Then a rumour came to them. There were troubles in China, the border 32 might be closed anytime and war threatened.
They talked it over, and decided to move. And move fast.
That selfsame night they started on their journey, buying straw and hay as they went along. Soon Sam advised God also to buy all the water-bottles available, and now the big herd became a wonderful sight. Horse after laden horse, big bundles on their backs, with water-bottled dangling down as well, passed through the night.
Sam tried to count them, but by day he was too busy, and by night it was too dark.
“Never mind”, said God. “We can sell whatever number we have!”
And of course he was right.
With them, they had nearly a hundred Mongolian shepherds to help them out, and they needed to be fed and watered as well.
That was sometimes a problem, but luckily sheep were for sale everywhere, and cheap, and meat being the main ingredient of Mongolian food, they managed to keep them all happy.
They neared the border, and the night came when they crossed, horses, Mongolians and all. That nobody had any papers did not bother God or Sam.
They felt better as soon as they arrived on Russian soil, and God still had all the papers from the Czar, so they knew they would be welcome and find help as much as they needed.
First of all they went to Omsk, where they could deliver the first two thousand horses, that would make their journey a bit easier again.
But now the weather turned against them. So far it had been dry and fresh, but now snowstorm after snowstorm had to be dealt with, and travelling through the Russian winter is never a pleasure.
But they arrived in the town alive and well, and could finally get themselves warm again.
The horses had to stay outside of course, and Sam had pity on them.
“Don't be stupid, Sam!” God said. “Mongolian horses are very hardy, they always stay outside!”
God travelled back together with Sam as far as Moscow.
There they said good-bye, because God knew fine well that Sam could very well deliver the rest of the horses on the way back by himself.
He had other plans, and soon took the train to Vienna.
This time he disguised himself as an elderly Polish baron, suffering from arthritis, and on the way to take a cure in Austria.
He stayed in the hotel Sacher in Vienna, and really enjoyed that.
But he was thinking more and more about the mountains, 33
and one day he could not resist their call anymore.
He travelled to Tirol.
Tirol because the highest and most beautiful mountains were there, and soon enough God started to walk around a bit.
Then he hired a tour-guide, and started to climb seriously.
One peak after the other, and what he enjoyed most was meeting other mountaineers, who all would say:”Gruss? Gott”.
That they really were saying Hello to God himself, nobody knew!
After he had climbed the peaks he wanted in Austria, he went to Switzerland, and started all over.
God had a lot of fun, and that was important.
Sometimes he went to Heaven, to check all was fine, but never for long.
But then one day he heard the voice of the little man who loved to ask difficult questions, and he listened carefully.
It turned out that the little man had been sent to England by his company, and now lived in New Castle.
And he was still thinking and pondering about God and the world, and wanted some more answers to his questions.
“Well”, thought God to himself. “If I ignore him, he will go on yammering, and if I give in and talk to him, he might ask more than I can answer!” But he decided to give it another try, and was soon on his way by train to Paris and later to London. From there a regular steamer went to New Castle, so that was handy.
God found our little man, and asked him what the trouble was.
“Well”, said the man, “I know we go to Heaven if we have been good or reasonably good in our life. But why do we have to be born at all in the first place? Could we not just go straight to Heaven?”
And also, is that selfsame Heaven not a bit boring in the long run?
And why are so many people on this world suffering, why are there so many ill and crippled persons? Do they all deserve to suffer, or what?
And anyway, what about war? War is certainly against nature, and yet there seems to more of it all the time.”
God was in troubles, so many questions, and so few answers!
“Well”, he declared in the end. ”One thing leads to the next. Since I created Heaven and Earth, a lot of things happen while they have to happen.
Mostly that is nothing to do with me. But I must admit that I was too busy with creating to pay much attention to little details. Maybe I did it all wrong?”
But our little man did not want to accept that. “I do not think so”, 34
he said. “I am just trying to understand what is going on, not to criticise God or his works”.
“Thanks God for that!”, said God.
“I was wondering if you were going for the jugular?”
“Right”, said God. “I will give you an example. Do you understand how electricity works?”
“Certainly not”, said our little man.
“Well”, said God, “It is just like that. “You do not know what happens when you turn the switch and the light comes on, but you accept it and it is very useful!”
“Aye”, said our man.
“Religion and God is like that”, said God. “Sometimes you do not know or understand, but you have to accept it. Some things become clear in the long run, others maybe never”.
God talked all night with the little man, and in the end he said:”Suppose you , all of you, all people, got it just totally wrong. Suppose because God and the Angels work day and night to keep you all from greater harm and a worse fate, you are not in too bad a state?
Suppose it is all the other way around? You are in the best possible shape because God is helping you? God is not a sort of shop where you put some prayers in if you want something. That does maybe also happen, but life is certainly not like that.
And as for Heaven, maybe you have to suffer a bit before you can ever get there? Anyway, I have to go now, you think about it. Bye!”
And for a while God disappeared from this world.
35
TROUBLES IN HEAVEN
Once in a while real nasty things happen, even in Heaven.
One day there was a knock at Heaven’s gate, and Saint Peter went to have a look.
In front of the gate was such a dejected, miserable little soul, that Saint Peter got tears in his eyes!
So he asked very friendly what the wee soul wanted?
"A place in Heaven, please!" answered the suffering wee soul.
"Ho, ho, ho", answered Saint Peter. "That is not all that easy!"
"Well", said the wee soul. "They did not want to take me down below. They said I was too miserable to suffer any more! They do not want to have any dealings with the likes of me".
"Oh aye", said Saint Peter. He had had dealings with that kind of persons before.
"So you are one of the troublesome cases?" he inquired. "Surely nothing to do with drugs or so?"
Now Saint Peter had hit the target, and the poor wee soul started to yammer and stammer and cried a lot. "I never meant to cause any harm", it confessed now to Saint Peter.
Of course he had heard all the stories and excuses imaginable under the sun and the moon a long time ago, and he was not very interested to hear another version.
"Well", he said. "We do have a very strict policy up here in Heaven, no drugs and no drug-addicts. No drug-addict will ever be allowed entrance into Heaven! Go away, because you have no chance here!"
"But where do I go?" asked the wee soul. "Nobody wants to have any dealings with me!"
"And rightly so", said Saint Peter. "If you put yourself out of bounds of normal humanity, that is your own doing!"
"But it is a problem all the same. What did you say your name was?"
"Oh, Michael, just Michael", answered the wee soul.
"Michael what?" asked Saint Peter.
"Just Michael and than Jackson....", answered the soul.
"I do not know anyone of that name", Said the guardian of the Heavenly gates, "But I can assure you that no-one can buy their way into Heaven. Get lost, before I send the dogs after you!"
And he closed the gates and went back inside. 36
LEAVE ME ALONE!
After the busy reception, God really had had enough!
He was tired and needed a rest.
Just for that purpose he had bought himself a nice plantation on the island of Jamaica. It was situated on the North coast. There it was quiet and calm, nature nearly left to its own devices by the people.
God liked that very well. He had the old house restored, and the plantation was still worked to produce sugar cane, and make the sugar there off.
They also made rum, of course, and various other old fashioned things.
The people employed there had no idea who God was. To them he was just another rich owner, who paid them well if they did their jobs, and they had no idea when he would come or go.
That suited God very well.
Every time he really needed a rest he went there, swayed in his hammock in the evening breeze, sipping glasses of coconut milk or home-made rum.
The island was very beautiful, the climate too hot to do a lot, and whatever was done had to be done slowly.
Nature was just lovely, the soil very rich, and God loved the slow pace of live there.
Once he had recovered a bit, he went fishing sometimes, or played tennis in the early morning hours with a neighbour.
Occasionally he went to town, to visit the teacher, or the doctor. Sometimes he played a game of chess with the priest, and spent a lovely afternoon in town.
God gave a big party every couple of years, for all the presidents and kings and heads of state, as well as the bishops, cardinals and important business leaders.
That was just because he liked to keep himself informed, and to find out what kind of persons he was dealing with.
A beautiful party was prepared in Heaven, the best crystal, the finest crockery were used on the most beautifully dressed tables in the big ballroom in Heaven.
The food and drinks served were of the finest only, and plenty, and of course Heavenly music was supplied by the angels.
"Aye", said God to the Archangel Gabriel, "Most of them will only see Heaven once, and never come back!" 37
Sadly enough, God was right there.
That no-one ever remembered these visits to Heaven, was because God cut out the relevant bit of their memories afterwards.
Normally God quite liked these parties, but this year he became disgruntled with the stupidness of the leaders. "Did I really supply all humans with brains?" he asked Abraham.
"It looks like a mouse alone would have more brains than all the presidents of the world together! And to think that I created them all so beautiful, with all those brains, all that knowledge, and all the possibilities you can dream of. And what do they do? Become stupid and selfish. It really is terrible!"
Now Abraham had often told God to be more severe with the humans.
"That will get you nowhere" he said. "All that pandering and giving in and being nice! That will have to stop. Never mind development and changes, be strict with them!
Most of them are outright stupid, a lot are born criminals, and mostly do not even know there are ten commandments that God gave them"
God was normally very nice about humans, always making excuses for their bad behaviour, always hoping against hope that it would all turn out alright. But for once he really had enough.
"Never mind capitalists or communists, let them all go to hell!"he declared to a surrounding lot of angels.
"Maybe we need another flood? I will have a word with Noah one of these days!"
Luckily he left for Jamaica before that happened, and really, one big flood surely had been enough for the world?
On the island life went its normal way as usual, slow and delightful. The tides came, and the tides went, and the rum still tasted just the same as a hundred or two hundred years ago.
There was no hurry, and God saw that it was good.
Sometimes he went and visited the bishop, and spend a nice evening.
He was very careful not to mention the church at all, since he really liked the bishop, and understood that he did his best in his own circumstances.
That God had a strong opinion about church and state, was something else.
"I always thought that priests and ministers would be the mediators between God and the people", he said to the Archangel Gabriel, who had accompanied him this time to Jamaica.
"I really believed they would explain to the people what is right and wrong, and explain God’s laws to them.
I thought they would help the people to understand what God 38
expects of them, and what they can expect of God. But I am sadly very mistaken.
The church and it’s servants are only interested in keeping their privileges and how to continue to keep their power. Very, very sad".
The one thing God could not understand was that there were so few people who dared to stand up and have their own opinions.
"They all seem to be feared, they all hide behind each-other, and none has the courage of o moth!" God complained to Gabriel.
"And to think that I installed them with brilliant brains, a fair knowledge and understanding, and here they go and behave like animals!"
God was annoyed with the humans, and rightly so.
But there was no reason to be so blunt about it.
The Archangel Gabriel however told God to relax. "Take it easy!", he said. "And after a while we will return to Heaven, at least you do not have to deal with stupid presidents and corrupt politicians up there!"
And of course he was right.
39
TAKE CARE OF THE FUTURE
God was thinking deeply. That did happen occasionally, and often he went to sit in a quiet corner of Heaven. But sometimes he put his head in the clouds, because it seemed to help.
That is a big difference between God and Men, because He can put his Head in the clouds at any given time, but when we try, we undoubtedly run into troubles. There had been this wee boy who stuck just his nose into a cloud one day, and got a terrible whack over the ears!
For it happened that just then his own parents were in that cloud, doing something they liked to do in private.
Another guy was nearly stabbed when he put his head into the clouds, for a young couple, desperately in love, just had gone up in the clouds for some private entertainment, and were loath to be disturbed!
Anyway, God was thinking, and thinking hard. Because he wanted to change the future, or at least part of it.
And he knew fine well from experience that any changes to the future had to be carefully considered and worked out, or there would be troubles.
Because God could look into the future, he knew fine well that the day would come when mankind would really discover star-travel, and go out and populate the stars. And had he himself not told them:"Go and multiply!"
But because he was unhappy with the development of men, he decided that in the future he would take his own slice of the universe. and call it , God’s Own Kingdom. And within the boundaries of his Own Kingdom people would have to obey God’s laws and God’s wishes.
If they did not, they would be removed, for outside God’s Own Kingdom was plenty space left, and anybody could do there as they liked.
But God wanted to prove to the world, and himself, that people could very well live according to his rules and commandments and wishes, and still be happy and successful as well.
There would be no murder, no lies, no sexual adventures between unmarried persons, in fact, there would be no soldiers, because God has said thou shallst not kill, and soldiers kill on order. So there would not be armies either, and life was going to be very good indeed.
But to safeguard all his wishes was very diffcult, and needed a lot of thinking indeed! 40
Another nice aspect of God’s Own Kingdom,was of course, that everybody there could go straight to Heaven after they died. Because they had not sinned, as there was no opportunity for sinning.
That was wonderful, and a balm unto God’s heart.
So now we can all relax. Sometime in the future, maybe not for you and me, but certainly for our children or grandchildren, all people can go and live in the peace of God’s Own Kingdom, where they can live as desired by God and be at peace with the world and themselves and the universe.
THE END
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