NEW STORIES FROM AN OLD ISLAND

BY

THEO TAMMES

HOWMORE

CONTENDS

I THE BUCKET page 1

II ALL THE KING’S HORSES page 6

III THE RAINMOUNTAIN page 8

IV WHY THE SEA DISAPPEARED page 10

V OVER THE EDGE page 12

VI HOW THE RABBITS BANKRUPTED GREAT BRITTAIN

page 14

VII THE COW WHO LOST HER BITS AND PIECES page 16

This is a collection of stories written over the past years, since I came to live on South Uist. Most have been published in other storybooks of mine, but “How the rabbits bankrupted Great Brittain” is new, as well as “The cow who lost her bits and pieces.”

©

Copyright by

Theo Tammes

Casa Azul

Porto do Paul

Pernes

2000-500

Portugal

Written, edited and produced in South Uist, Scotland

I THE BUCKET

Once upon a time six children were playing on the beach. It was the first nice day after a long spell of rain, and they were thoroughly enjoying themselves. They ran along the beach, singing songs and later on they built sandcastles.

They collected shells and bits of driftwood and for a good while they just strolled along the beach. Later on they found an old bucket, with the bottom missing, fallen out no doubt. Since you never know how handy something might prove to be they took it along. The youngest of the children, little Ian, started to play with the bucket. He put it down, drew a line in the sand and standing behind it, he started throwing bits and pieces into the bucket. Every time he hit the bucket he gave himself a point, when he missed he had to deduct a point, but that proved too difficult for him, since he had hardly started learning how to count. He had great fun, and invited the others to come and play along with him. The older children were amused to see how good he was at hitting the bucket; most of his shells and bits of seaweed had landed inside.

For a good while they all kept playing with the bucket, until Mary, the oldest child, told the others that it was time to go home. They collected all their finds, and Mary lifted the bucket, so she could take it home. To her big surprise something unheard of happened. All the little stones and shells they had thrown into the bucket fell through the hole in the bottom and changed. Before her very own eyes they changed into pieces of candy!

They still looked the same, but they changed their colour and substance. And when Mary couldn’t resist the urge to bend down and pick up a piece, it tasted just like candy. She knew well enough what candy was, even if they didn’t get too much of it at home. She tried another piece, and it was delicious! Now she shouted for joy and called all the others to her. “Taste this”, she told them, and handed them all a piece of candy. There was a whole heap of it, not even in the shop had they ever seen so much candy.

In their happiness they jumped and danced around, shouting like mad. However, soon enough they calmed down, for now they had to think what they were going to do with their bucket. Most certainly they were going to keep the bucket, for who would abandon such a treasure, but they would have to keep it hidden from their parents, they all understood that much. After a while they decided to put the bucket in the shed, amongst a lot of rubble they and their parents kept there anyway. “And imagine”, said Mary. “We can have all the candy we want, anytime!”

So they went home in the best mood, nibbling candy all the way.

But sooner or later they ran into trouble, for it is hard enough to keep a secret between two people, but to keep such an important secret amongst six children was almost impossible. And the number was not limited to six children either, because they had to give some candy to their best friends. Also their parents noticed that they didn’t seem that eager on the few occasions they gave their children some candy.

In due course the parents started to notice that there was something strange going on with their children, and they started to observe them more closely. One thing they noticed was that they seemed to spent a lot of time in the shed. The father decided one day to inspect the shed whilst the children were all at school, but he couldn’t find anything strange. There was just the usual rubbish and junk lying around.

What secret did his children have, he wondered?

For many weeks the parents tried to find out what was the matter, until their mum one day found something strange. She was washing Tommy’s coat, and went through his pockets as usual, when she found a piece of candy. Candy that most certainly she hadn’t given to the wee boy.

So little Tommy was questioned after school, and he had to confess. The story sounded most unlikely to his mother, and she demanded to be shown that strange bucket. She would not believe the story about the bucket turning stones and shells into candy until she saw it with her own eyes. Even after Mary had demonstrated the whole process to her, she still could not believe it. She went as far as tasting a bit of candy, and agreed with her children that it was real and nice.

That evening the dad had to be told, and he proved even less believing when she told him of the bucket. He too had to witness with his own eyes the process, taste a bit, and in the end he had to admit it was true. The poor parents had a lot more trouble to come to terms with the miracle than their children, for adults have mostly forgotten that all is possible in the world, and they are used to any amount of restrictions and limitations.

The bucket was kept in the house from now on, and the amount of candy the children could get was strictly limited. Then a day came when the mum wanted some candy for herself, so she threw a bit of coal into the bucket and lifted it. But when she leaned down to pick up the expected piece of candy, she got a big surprise. For this time the bits of coal hadn’t turned into candy, but into silver!

It lay there on the floor, shining and sparkling. She was so astound that she didn’t know what to do, so she waited until the children came back from school, and told them. Of course they all wanted to see it with their own eyes, and mum put in another bit of coal. Lifting the bucket she uncovered another shining piece of silver.

The children couldn’t believe it. “Do it again, mummy”, they asked.

It was the first time they had seen silver in their lives, and they were most impressed.

They tried their luck in turn with the bucket, but all the children got out of it was candy. They had a lot to tell their dad that evening, and he had to try for himself, of course. He couldn’t get over it, by when bedtime came he was still trying to believe what his eyes had shown him.

The next morning dad took the pieces of silver to the local jeweller, who did not only confirm that it was real silver, he bought the pieces of him as well.

Coming home with plenty of money in his pockets was a complete new experience for the dad, which had never ever happened before. He spread out their new wealth in front of the mother, and asked her what she thought of that?

After that life changed quite a bit for the children and their parents. Suddenly new furniture arrived; they were all taken to the big town, to get new outfits. Because the amount of silver they now could make was unlimited, they even got a brand new house sooner or later. Apart from that, anybody in the village who was in need of anything at all just had to ask for it, and it was given to them.

The family soon learned to spread their newfound wealth amongst the other villagers, and everybody was happy, for a while.

For word spreads very fast indeed if there is a case of sudden wealth, and a whole village starting to be so prosperous soon attracted all sorts of people. Attempts were even made to steel the bucket, although the dad handed around the silver freely.

The whole village helped to keep an eye on the bucket, but it all proved in vain. For somehow the king had got to hear about the new prosperity of the village, worse, he had even heard of the bucket!

When he realized the unending amount of silver that could come out of the bucket, he wanted to have it. Straightaway please.

The dad was summoned to the castle, but before he left he called a meeting of the villagers. “What shall we do?” he asked them. “We can’t go against our own king”.

After a bit of talking it was decided that they would altogether make an enormous pile of silver, which would keep them rich forever, and then hand over the bucket to the king.

And it was done just as they had decided. The king grumbled a bit, for he had been kept waiting, but once he had the bucket in his own palace he was happy enough.

First of all he let his ministers make the silver, but one day he decided to have a try himself.

He threw a good big lump of coal into the bucket, and then lifted it up to see what would happen. What happened nearly floored him, for instead of silver, the lump changed into gold!

Since the king couldn’t believe his eyes he had to try again, and the next bit of coal he dropped in came out as gold as well.

Even kings can loose the power of speech for a short while, and that happened just now. But soon enough the king recovered, and from then onwards, he was very busy making gold. He made so much of it that he soon had more than he needed for himself, and then he started to make gold for his whole kingdom.

Even that didn’t take him too long, since gold is so valuable. In a very short time everything in the whole land was renewed, rebuild, or improved. Schools and universities were all brand new; hospitals were the best in the world. Any specialists needed from elsewhere were hired for astronomically high wages, and the country prospered that much that the whole wide world noticed.

For a while some other countries tried to steel the bucket, but the king could hire any army in the world, he could outbid anyone, and soon the country was left alone.

After a very long time the bucket could not be found one day, and that was a bit worrisome, but there were such vast reserves of gold and silver, and candy in the land, that nobody really worried.

There is a story that somebody threw the old bucket in the sea, and there is a prophecy that the bucket some day will be washed ashore on another beach. So, if you ever come across a bottomless bucket on the beach, try it out, you might just be the lucky one who finds it!

II ALL THE KING’S HORSES

Once upon a time there was a king who had six horses, one horse for every day of the week. But no horse for the Sundays, because Sunday was a holy day and you couldn’t go riding on a Sunday, you were not supposed to do anything apart from praying and going to church.

That was the way of things in this beautiful little kingdom, and there were few people who liked it. The children certainly didn’t like Sundays, what is worse, they positively hated Sundays. For they were not allowed to run or to play, or to do anything nice at all. They had to sit still in their finest clothes and pray and go to church for hours at a time, or read the bible. They got so bored that all they could do was to eat out of their noses, and especially that was very much forbidden on a Sunday.

There were no hot meals on a Sunday either, for cooking was work, and work was forbidden on the holy day. There were no fires, there was no heating and all the people and their poor children had a miserable time on the Sundays.

Even the King didn’t have much fun on the holy day. For he loved to go riding, taking a different horse every day, but there was no riding on Sundays, and there was no special horse for the King on a Sunday either. He did have some privileges, like hot meals, and the fires were lit in the palace on a Sunday, but he had to go to church like every body else, and pray, and he was supposed to study the bible. That he didn’t like at all.

But he had to obey, even if he was the King, for the church was the ultimate source of power in those days. Luckily everything changed one day, and nowadays the people can hardly remember all the horrible things they had to put up with before the horse came. For one day it came, all by itself, the seventh horse.

It walked through the whole country, and went right up to the palace. On a Sunday!

That was unheard of, but nobody could do anything about it, for that would have mend work, and work was forbidden on a Sunday.

The seventh horse climbed the stairs onto the terrace of the palace, and looked inside. The King was just then looking outside, because he was bored and wanted to go for a ride.

And there he saw this magnificent horse looking back at him!

Instantly they fell in love with each other, the King opened the door to the terrace and stepped outside.

The seventh horse whinnied and shook his manes, and looked at the King as if it was saying: ”What are you waiting for?”

The King understood exactly what the horse mend, and mounted his new horse.

And how he enjoyed his ride! To him it seemed as if it was the first time he had ever ridden a real horse, and the horse carried the King ever so proudly.

All who saw the King that day felt touched, it was a pleasure to watch man and horse move together.

From then on the King had seven horses, one for each day of the week, and he went riding every day of the week as well. He couldn’t care less if it was a Sunday or not. With that kind of behaviour of the King as an example the rot set in, and soon scores of people followed the King’s lead and started doing things on the Sundays.

Furious protests and damnations of the priest and ministers fell on deaf ears, the King wanted to ride his horse on the Sundays, and that was all there was to it.

Threads of Hell and Damnation left him cold; he didn’t care when he was told he would go to hell after he died. If he was going to be punished later, he might as well enjoy himself now.

With that attitude life in the little country changed a lot. The power of the church was broken, and life became much more agreeable to all and sundry, but especially for the children. The seventh horse was much adored, and in later years the grateful people even put a big sculpture of the horse up, right in front of the palace.

The King and all his people lived happily for ever after.

III THE RAINMOUNTAIN

Once upon a time there was a mountain which the people called the Rain-mountain, because the rain-clouds always covered the peak, and the people believed that this mountain made the rain. Of course they were very wrong there, the poor mountain didn’t make the rain at all. Unbeknown to most people a little man lived near the top of the mountain, and that little man was a rainmaker. It was him who attracted the clouds, and it was him who made the rain out of the clouds.

The rain-mountain had a brother who was just a little bit smaller, and attracted only half as many clouds. That made the smaller brother jealous, and this jealousy festered and grew for a long time. Until the smaller brother decided to do something about it. After a lot of thinking, which took a long time- for mountains think deep and seriously, but quite slow-he came to the conclusion that if he were to become bigger than his brother, he would be the one to attract more clouds. Why that seemed so important to this mountain is not easily understandable, but every one to his own taste.

These two mountains also had another brother, who was smaller still, but of a most respectable seize none-the-less. This was the funny brother. Sometimes he thought the whole wide world so funny that he couldn’t stop laughing for days on end. Then the whole mountain would shake and tremble, and the people down in the valleys believed that the mountain was a volcano and would erupt any time.

They stayed away as far as possible, and nobody ever climbed the laughing-mountain.

In the dales below these three mountains there lived a young man who was a fire-maker. And he was a very unhappy fire-maker, since the rains from the rain-mountain often spoilt his attempts to make it all nice and warm around his fires. He had a grief against the rain-mountain, and many a time he thought about what he could do to change things for the better.

None of his ideas had worked so far, and when he became aware of the efforts of the smaller mountain to grow, he was delighted. He really believed that when the smaller mountain could grow and attract more clouds, that he himself would be able to make bigger and better fires. The people of the island were just afraid when their mountains started to rumble and grumble, they thought that the volcanoes would erupt any time now, and many fled to safety onto other islands.

The third brother, who believed everything was funny, thought that it was hilarious. He observed his brothers in their attempts to grow, and rolled with laughter. How stupid those two were! The earth shook and trembled from the combined efforts of the mountains. Because of all the trembling and shaking going on, the little rainmaker on top of the highest mountain became worried, and in the end even he started to fear for his life. He decided to go down the mountain and to try and find a safer place to make the rain.

At the same time the fire-maker started to climb up the mountain, for he wanted to see for himself what was really going on up there.

Since the one came down, and the other went up, they had to meet somewhere, and they both had a big surprise when they finally met eye to eye.

Until then they had not known about the existence of the other, and they had a lot to talk about. Although they had so far tried to achieve quite opposite effects, they could understand each other, and they came to like each other and even became friends. After a good long talk they decided that there should be space enough on the island for both of them, and for both their qualities, and they made a pact between them, giving each enough space to be successful in their jobs.

Thus came to be the balance between rain and fire on the island, and the mountains eventually calmed down, although the funny brother still shudders once in a while. He can’t help it; to him life is so funny.

For the people on the island life became much more agreeable, and they all lived happily ever after.

IV WHY THE SEA DISAPPEARED

For a long long time the Sea and the Beach got on fine. Not that they were the closest of friends, but they got on and respected one and other. But one day they started an argument, and they both became quite heated and said things to each other that should better be left unsaid. These things happen all the time, and sometimes they can ruin good friendships, or even turn friends into enemies.

The Beach started it, telling the Sea that she was mightier and stronger than her.

Normally the Sea would just have laughed over such a silly remark, but this time she was angry, and she hit back. “What nonsense you are talking”, she said. “Everybody knows that I am the strongest and the mightiest!”

After that they accused each other of numerous things, from being stupid to being stubborn and conceited. Finally the Sea became so angry and worked up that she attacked the Beach with all her might. The Beach managed to hang on by the skin of her teeth, but she was badly shaken, and pleaded for mercy.

After that the Sea calmed down and let her go. “That shows you who is more powerful”, she told the Beach.

The Sea was happy enough with her victory, and did not realize that the Beach had only been testing her. The Beach could be a very treacherous creature, and soon enough the Sea was to learn more about her.

For another long period of time they got on well together, but now the Beach knew how to upset the Sea, and she was preparing for another battle.

When all her preparations were in place, she started another argument with the Sea, and the Sea was a willing victim.

“I am the protector of life!” claimed the Beach.

“And I am stronger and mightier than you!”

The Sea rose to the challenge, responding that she was the mother of all life on the planet, and that every body knew that much, even if they were as stupid as the Beach. But the Beach went on and on to rile her, and in the end the Sea lost her nerves and prepared to attack the Beach.

The Beach even had the temerity to declare that the Sea couldn’t move her one inch.

Well, the Sea could, and she showed it. With all her fury she pounded down on the Beach, and the Beach started to crumble and fall apart. But that was all just part of her tactics, for behind the Beach was a very big and very deep hole, and sooner or later she opened herself so that the Sea could stream in, and fall into the hole.

And that is just what happened. With all her might and main the Sea couldn’t stop herself from disappearing into the deep hole, and for a while the world was a different place. Without the Sea life wasn’t any fun anymore, and after a while the Beach had to let the Sea back into her place.

Ever since there is a truce between these two, and let’s just hope that will last for ever, because we could not live without the Sea, but we also need the Beach to protect us if she gets too wild.

V OVER THE EDGE

For a long time people believed that the world was flat, and when you sailed too near the edge of the world you would fall of and disappear.

Nowadays a lot of folk believe that the world is round and that you cannot fall of, and you cannot disappear in such a way.

Of course they are mistaken, for people disappear all the time, and where else have they gone, if they haven’t fallen over the edge?

To prove all this, I will tell you about our little island.

When I first came, I loved to go down to the beach and I stared at the sea for hours and hours. Beautiful and intriguing, always changing, ebbing or flooding depending on the time of the day.

But never a ship to be seen on the horizon.

An empty ocean, stretching away towards other islands, small or big. For is America not a very big island after all?

Anyway, the sea was empty, and I felt sort of lonely, watching the empty sea, and I wondered why it was like this.

I came back to live here, and still I went down to the shore to watch the sea. Empty, completely empty, no boats to be seen for days on end, even weeks on end.

Imagining rich fishing-grounds out there, I found it very strange that there was never any ship to be seen, and so I waited if I might find out one day why or how come?

Illumination came one day, when I spotted a ship far out to the sea.

Oh yes, it was far out, but it kept neatly in sight of the land.

Clearly there was a reason for that, and thinking it over it dawned on me that all these old stories and believes were true.

Yes the world is flat, and yes, if you sail to near the edge you will fall of and disappear.

Although it was a horrible discovery, it put my mind at ease. Now I could understand why so few fishermen went out fishing near the edge, they had always known of the dangers.

And also, it explains ever so nicely what has happened to all these missing persons. Yes, indeed, somehow or other they have fallen over the edge.

Careful as I normally am, I will not venture beyond these shores, I will not go out in a boat if I can help it.

Life is dangerous enough, and falling over the edge to disappear for good is not my idea of the end.

VI HOW THE RABBITS BANKRUPTED GREAT BRITTAIN

Far out in the magnificent Atlantic ocean there lies a small island, which has a time all of it’s own, and very special people all of it’s own as well.

Since time immemorial rabbits have been living on the machair, chased and caught by the islanders for their meat and their furs. Rabbits were just a part of life like cows and sheep or the weather, and no-body ever thought much about them until the disaster happened.

Like many other disasters it didn’t look like a problem at first, and anyway, few people knew what happened then. What happened was that one day a talking rabbit was born. Not like the others who all talk rabbit-talk, but a one that could speak our language.

Imaging the horror of a poor crofter being addressed by a rabbit, whilst feeding his cattle on the machair. It did not only scare and upset the poor crofters, especially the ones who had enjoyed a wee dram the night before. This rabbit enjoyed talking to the tourist as well!

A lot of folk keep mumbling vaguely about the dangers of tourists, but they have a point after all. For it was a tourist that started all the trouble when he talked to the rabbit. This man was not just a tourist, he was a lawyer.

As everybody knows, lawyers are the source of never ending trouble, and they leave a trail of disappearing money behind them that is unbelievable.

The money that this one lawyer cost the state cannot be estimated, for when a whole country goes bankrupt, numbers don’t count up anymore.

This lawyer talked to the rabbit, and explained to it the whole benefits system. Worse, he helped the rabbit to fill in the forms to claim for various things, unemployment, sickness benefits, you name it, they filled in the forms.

As usual it took a long time for the forms to be processed, but one day the postman had to deliver the first cheque to the talking rabbit. He was not pleased at all with this job. Somehow he foresaw all the troubles that were to come later on.

If rabbits didn’t breed like rabbits there would not have been any trouble, for having one talking rabbit on benefits is neither here nor there.

But once they start to have offspring, and there are hundreds of rabbits claiming benefits, and later on thousands, then you have a real problem. The lawyer who had started all the troubles was in his element. He had bought himself a house on the island, so he could help his client, and when his client’s offspring needed his services he gladly helped them all out. For a fee of course, wasn’t he just a lawyer by profession?

Things went from bad to worse, seeing as how rabbits can breed like rabbits, and soon the whole benefits network was at breaking point, trying to deal with ever more new claims.

The minister became aware of troubles in his organisation, but before he had even started to understand what it was all about a finance-crisis loomed.

The coffers were empty, the budget was too small, new personnel had to be taken on, lawyer’s bill were landing on the agency’s doormat faster than raindrops, and the situation soon became completely out of hand.

The government tried emergency legislation, but there wasn’t enough money to print the documents.

The crisis reached it’s top when the government had to stop paying their employees for lack of funds. Because as soon as people stopped working, there were also no new claims from talking rabbits for more benefits.

Although all the monetary reserves had gone down the rabbit holes, the country recovered because of the national strike, and life could slowly return to normal.

Let us pray that we will never again come across talking rabbits, and God forbid that they ever meet a lawyer again, for next time they will bankrupt Britain for sure.

VII THE COW WHO LOST HER BITS AND PIECES

Once upon a time there was a cow called Maisie. She was a very nice shorthorn-cross, handsome and tame, but she had this streak of stubbornness in her, which would remind anyone of a donkey. For she loved to go visiting, and since her friends and relatives were many, and spread over a wide area, she could be found wandering all over the neighbouring townships.

It became so bad that her poor owner, old Mary Macaskill, hardly ever saw her. What was far worse, she hardly ever got to milk Maisie, and she needed that milk badly for her crowdie and butter. She was only an old widow, and Maisie was the only cow she owned, so when Maisie went gallivanting day after day, Mary was hard up.

One day the widow decided that enough was enough, and she needed to do something about her one and only cow. Wise in the ways of the world, as she was, she knew where to go, to the local witch.

The witch duly put a spell on the cow, and Mary went home to see what would happen next.

She did not have to wait for long, because the following morning Maisie, who cared nothing for the troubles of her owner, decided to go for a visit to Stoneybridge, to see a cousin of hers. After a bit of grazing around the village of Howmore she went on her way, following the track past the school. The children, who all knew Maisie very well, saw her go past, and told each other that old Mary wouldn’t be pleased at all. “There she goes again”, said little Tommy.

Maisie was completely unaware of the doings of her owner, she had never even heard of spells being put on animals or people, so she just sauntered off. But today she had a big surprise coming to her. Hardly had she reached the outskirts of the village when she grinded to a halt. Something was amiss, she could tell that much. Carefully she studied herself as good as she could, and found that one of her horns had fallen of. Turning back she could spot it, lying on the track, so she went back and carefully tried to put it back in place. Nothing like this had ever happened before to her, and she wondered vaguely what was wrong. But she managed to put her horn back on and turned around once more, for she was going to Stoneybridge. Hardly was she on her way again then she felt something was amiss again, so she stopped.

This time it was easy to tell what was wrong, for one of her legs was missing, and she had great troubles to balance herself.

Looking back to the village she could see the leg lying on the track, so she turned round again and hobbled back.

By now the children had their lunch-break, and they were all watching her. Maisie put her leg back on, and started once more down the track to Stoneybridge, the children following her and telling her to go home. But Maisie was very determined, and paid no heed to them.

A loud shout from the children stopped her in her tracks however; ”Maisie, stop, you have lost your tail!” shouted the children.

Maisie stopped and looked, the children were right, her tail was missing, and by now she already knew where to look for it, just outside the school building. She turned round once more, and fashioned her tail back on as good as she good. Then she looked angrily at the children, wishing that they would leave her in peace.

She grazed for a bit, and slowly sauntered down the track to Stoneybridge.

“Maisie, stop, you’ve lost your udder!” shouted the children. Really annoyed by now, Maisie turned round and hastened herself back to the school. And right in front of her she found her missing udder lying on the ground.

With all the patience she could muster she put her udder back, stared menacingly at the children, turned her tail and set off once again.

This time she was doing fine, and it was not until she was halfway down to the loch when she felt something was wrong, very wrong. For she found herself stumbling and falling down, and this time she did not need to look what was missing, she knew. Her two front legs had just disappeared!

It was awful, and she didn’t know how she could get back to look for them. There was no doubt in her mind that she would find her missing limbs in front of the school-house, but how was she to get there?

After trying for a while she found she could push herself, but it took her ages to return to Howmore.

The children were all inside by now, for their lessons had started once again.

Maisie managed to put her legs back in place, but by now she was exhausted. She wasn’t even surprised to see her owner, and meekly followed Mary home.

Mary said nothing about missing bits and pieces, she just led the cow home to be milked, and then let her graze outside the garden for a bit.

At night Maisie was locked up, but the next morning she was let out, and she war ready to go visiting again.

But every time she tried to leave the village, some bits and pieces started to fall of her, and she soon learned that she just couldn’t leave the village. She never understood why, but she accepted the fact and became a very well loved and respected cow in her own right, and they all lived happily ever after.